i have just begun changing by your grace

last year, i did a blog about why i suck. here is a follow up to that blog, this one on reason why i think i don't suck.....

i love that i think animals are magical creatures who can hear your thoughts;

i love that my body cracks at every joint when i move, a well deserved symbol representing years of dancing;

i love that i show off my bruises with pride, the temporary scars from a victorious battle with the dance floor;

i love my ass, which is why i am constantly parading around my nest in boy shorts;

i love that i am never too old to learn something new....i am currently mastering my back handspring;

i love that music can stimulate choreography throughout my body and i don't have to move a muscle;

i love thinking like a child, so simple and innocent;

i love that no matter how many times i am crushed, i am always willing to give my heart away;

i love the laugh lines i am getting as i age, a sign of happiness (or resilience, in my case);

i love that i will never give up on myself, even if others have no faith in me;

i love that when i laugh really hard, i snort sometimes;

i love that i can carry on a conversation with anyone, getting to know people is just fascinating to me;

i love my values;

i love that i think about what i put into my body, the food industry has become our worst enemy;

i love that i get tipsy after one glass of wine;

i love that i have the silliest dreams, like morphing into a billy goat;

i love that my belly button in a innie....outies are gross;

i love that i wear my heart on my sleeve, even though it sometimes gets me in trouble;

i love that i refuse to let others define me....i dance to my own tune;

i love that i have learned how to forgive through unfortunate experiences;

i love that i will always give anyone the benefit of the doubt and believe in people's good intentions;

i love being slight...i can fit in the sink if i really needed to;

i love my hair color.

that's all for now.

listen to: beautiful, beautiful by francesca battistelli...."and though it's pouring down i see You through the clouds shining on my face"

new beginnings

although i have neglected my once beloved blog, the coming of a new year has inspired me to reflect and re-evaluate. new beginnings can be both exciting and scary. while 2010 was full of ups and downs, the year ended with a new beginning in my life. after almost 27 years, i have figured out exactly how to take charge of my life: surrender. through loved ones, i discovered a layer of my personality that is unlike others. i have always strived for the upmost physical health while completely turning my head to my mental health. i discovered that i have pmdd, a condition that causes depression and anxiety, among other symptoms, during pre-menstruation. at last, i threw up my hands and realized that i was unable to control this demon inside me, and began taking anti depressants. for the first time in years, i feel in control of my emotions. i feel confident. i no longer automatically decide that the worst-case scenario applies to me. i find joy in everyday splendors. i genuinely feel blessed for my job while driving to work. i feel neither regret nor guilt for the things i’ve done. it was a long hard road, but it helped me get closer to me.

unfortunately, i have hurt others on my journey. i pray for forgiveness daily. while my personal new beginning brings me joy and hope for the new year, i fear that my life may change significantly. while this new self-awareness is a blessing, it has also wiped out many delusions. i have found that my idealistic hope, which i once cherished, has converted to a more stable realism. of course, we want to believe that everything will work out, that all your hopes and dreams will come true, that things will always work out if your believe they will, that love will always prevail. the truth is, the world is full of heartache and disappointment. the peace in that is that survival is not only possible, it can make you stronger.

i am almost 27 years old, and at times I feel like I’m 60. for example, my mother just turned 60 years old, and i feel like I have a better grip on reality than she does. it’s a bittersweet thing, because i do adore my mother, but many of my downfalls i unfortunately categorize as learned behaviors from my mother. while my intentions are never bad, i unconsciously deliver passive-aggressive attacks to my loved ones and try to manipulate their feelings. this is not only embarrassing and disappointing, it makes me angry that i can cause such pain to those i love and not even mean to. this is not who I am deep down. my heart is full of love. i care deeply for my loved ones. i vow to spread joy all those who know me. through my job, i am dedicated to being a sound role model for young women, despite my personal shortcomings. i feel like it is a constant struggle, because i want to be known for the real me, at at times it gets me down even though deep down i know my life will be better in the long run once i learn to live with this. i know this is something i will overcome, even though i may have lost everything because of it. i am peaceful knowing that i am in charge now, and even though my heart may break and i may lose the only person i’ve ever TRULY loved, he will be happier and i will survive this with a better sense of myself. someday I will overcome this and have so much to offer. i feel happy knowing that i can admire the true me and discover how beautiful i am through this journey. for the first time in a long time, i truly love me.

listen to: just the way you are by bruno mars....."when i see your face there's not a thing that i would change because you're amazing just the way you are"