a cup of comfort

it's snowing today.  days like today make me eternally grateful for the world wide web.  i have almost succeeded in "running" all my errands from home today, via email, online shopping, etc.  i could be a career bum so easily it is almost frightening.  

days like today also make me think about the things that comfort me.  a very vivid reality that i have had to face recently is that you can't rely on other people to comfort you.  this is not to say that others can't comfort you.  i am very blessed to have amazing people in my 

life who provide an ample amount of comfort when i need it, however, it is not fair to assume those people will give you what you need (especially me, because i am bad about asking for it).  about two years ago, while living in hawaii, i came to the realization that the one person who can truly make you happy is yourself.  i still believe this, even though there are people who significantly add to this happiness.  it starts within.  the past few days, i have taken this belief a step further and applied to the same concept to comforting one's self.  if i am feeling down, for whatever reason, i honestly believe that i am the only person who can bring myself back up.  while other can try, and god bless them they do, there is a risk that their efforts go unnoticed if i am not ready to be better, therefore causing negative reactions all around.

so today, i am identifying my daily comforts.  here is a list of the simple things in life that comfort me when i am feeling down:

blogging

cleaning my room

yoga

catching up with old friends

tube socks

cooking for someone

watching my niece and nephew sleep

dropping stuff off at goodwill

being a burrito

teaching a dance combo and watching my dancers enjoy it

looking at old pictures and reminiscing

singing the song "breathe" by michelle branch at the top of my lungs

sitting upside down in chairs

granted, there are things that may involve other people that i truly cherish and can instantly pull me out of a slump, like my brother hiding around a corner and scaring the pee right out of me or kisses on the forehead from my lover.  

the holiday season brings a substantial amount of joy to my life, but this year, that joy is accompanied by pain and loneliness that my stepfather is not here with us.  for millions of people, the holidays can be a drag due to a number of reasons.  that is why it is important for us to reach within and take pleasure in the simple, everyday comforts of life.

listen to:  breathe by michelle branch...."if i just breath, let it fill the space between i'll know everything is alright"

a letter to myself

i began this post about a month ago as i was sitting on a second-level porch, overlooking the ocean and feeling perfectly content.  it was one of the most perfectly serene moments:  perfect breeze, sound of the waves crashing into the shore, and not a thing in sight but blue skies meeting blue ocean water accented with green plants all around.  i remember looking up to see my love, walking through the sand to take his nephew snorkeling, and my heart skipped a beat. 

we went to the bahamas to see my boyfriend's parents as well as celebrate the life of a deceased family friend, tim.  among many great memories made that weekend, i remember a conversation with my beloved's magnificent mother.  it mainly entailed one of my favorite philosophies, which we share, and that is that everything happens for a reason.  she 

told me that when she was in college, she wrote herself a letter that she would read in five years, and it was really interesting to compare where she thought her life would go to where it actually went.  

when i began this post in the bahamas, i intended to write a letter to myself outlining my goals and addressing a more mature me.  as i readdress this task, i feel compelled to take the letter in another direction.  so here is my letter to my thirty year old self containing not only my hopes and dreams, but also my daily reminders to myself.

dear jenna,

happy thirtieth birthday!  i am sure that this letter arrives to a healthy and happy young woman who possesses the same passion for life as we do now.  at twenty five years old, i feel like we have a firm grasp on life, yet i still feel so young and excited to see what is next.  the next five years will be so full of changes.  i promise to try my best to remember our blessings and take each day with an open mind.  

before i get into our hopes and dreams, i feel that it is important to reaffirm our values and beliefs as well as remind you of promises that we made to ourself at twenty-five.  first and foremost, accept love with open arms and give nothing but love in return.  don't fear what scares you, embrace the challenge.  look at the positive side of every situation.  believe that you deserve the best and never forget that.  don't doubt those who genuinely care for you.  believe in the virtue of trust (this is what makes you beautiful).  speak openly and from your heart.  feel your way through life and don't let your head get wrapped up in your world (this is important for us).

now, onto the beauty of life.....

most significantly, i fully intend to marry the man of our dreams, whom i've recently found.  looking into his eyes and making the sacred vow to stand next to him for eternity will be the most profound moment of our life.  i have never wanted to give myself to anyone more in our twenty five years on this earth, and i couldn't imagine loving anyone more than we love him.  i cannot wait to build a home together and support each other's hopes and dreams with the same passion as our own.

in may, i will begin our seventh summer working for uda.  although it is exhausting at times, we continue to try to make our mark in this world through dance.  even if we make a difference in one girl's life, our job will be done.  plans for a dance studio are in the works, and may still be as i write you this letter.  although the details can be frustrating, please continue to imagine a sanctuary for people to move without fear or inhibition, to express themselves without words, to speak a universal language through our choreography and movement.

the baby factor is still up in the air at this point, but know this:  every time i see my future husband playing with our nieces and nephews, i can't help but feel warmth knowing that we may have that someday, and feel that same certainty i had when i met our one true love.  if all goes well for us at thirty, i am sure that you are up late at night staring at our baby with amazement that such a small child can intrigue so much beauty and love. 

lastly, remember to take care of those we love.  try not to get caught up in the rest of the world and keep loved ones close by.  although life gets crazy, take time for mom.  call your brother at least once a week and tell him you love him.  stay involved in your niece's and nephew's lives (like i really have to tell you this).  we've dealt with losses, and i'm sure you've dealt with a few others by this point, but try not to dwell on the negative but rather live an honest and wonderful life that those who have passed can be proud of. 

a few final reminders.....

share your smile with others every opportunity, laugh often, and if you need a break from it all, just breathe.  believe that you can handle any situation.  believe in yourself.

love always,

jenna

listen to:  the luckiest by ben folds...."and where was i before the day that i first saw your lovely face?  now i see it everyday and i know that i am, i am, i am the luckiest"

sometimes our only way is jumping, i hope you're not afraid of heights

la vita e bella; la vita e amore.
-- life is beautiful; life is love. 

they say that love is a leap of faith.  well, i guess i've never been inspired to jump.  without explanation, i've successfully avoided companionship for years.  maybe it was fear of co-dependency.  maybe it was habit.  i've looked after myself for a long time, and had become quite happy with my life.  anytime a potential mate surfaced, i would dig around to find something wrong with him and call it quits without second thought.  nothing ever felt right, not even the "practical" men who i "should" like.  i have never been able to fake emotion to myself or another individual.  it's not in my pisces blood.  i was beginning to think i would never have that spectacular love that some people have, and i was ok with that. 

after participating in a spontaneous cross country set up, my life has changed forever.  i have learned that true love comes without warning.  it comes without banners or flashing lights.  i have also learned that this kind of certainty comes only once a lifetime.  and it feels so good.

the past two weeks have been the most pleasant ongoing breath of fresh air.  this companion of mine has added to my already existing happiness and brought my elation meter to a level that i thought was unattainable.  i have learned more about what it should feel like to love an individual in the past two weeks that i have in my entire life.  it's not two halves that make a whole....it's two whole souls whose lives gloriously come together and compliment each other in the most beautiful way.

our first date was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  i have always wanted

to try skydiving, and without knowing that, he suggested skydiving over the rockies while we were visiting friends in denver (on our "cross country set up").  little did i realize at the time that the act of jumping out of a plane would mean more than just a crazy adrenaline rush.  

right before jumping out of the plane, i surprised myself and was as calm as a snoozing turtle/excited to try this new adventure.  i honestly thought i would be slightly afraid.  i have come to realize that i have spent years fearing companionship.  from the instant i met my new delicious companion, i have been nothing but excited.  excited to learn all about him, excited to spend time with him, excited to kiss him, excited for everything!

as i was free falling, i noticed that i continued to pick up speed towards the earth (so fun!).  there was also this tranquil beauty in the earth below and the mountains across the horizon.  another symbolic coincidence.  every single day with my companion gets better and better, 

even though we are separated by distance.  i honestly feel like i am free falling faster and faster, yet there is still a calmness there that is so comfortable.  it's not that crazy infatuation that leaves every other aspect of our lives dormant, no, it's so much more than that.  he makes me want to be the best me i can be in all areas of life.  it is the most refreshing, comfortable, passionate and meaningful feeling i have ever felt towards someone.  

i am so grateful that i executed this jump.  

listen to:  Taking Chances by Platinum Weird...."what do you say to taking chances?  what do you say to jumping off the edge and never knowing if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold, or hell to pay....what do you say?"

instant gratification

i've been in a slump the past few days that can only be explained by a mild cold, pms or the fact that i have been without my step-father for approximately three months.  i've been thinking about him a lot lately, and missing him more and more everyday.  i am also constantly worrying about my mother.  i hate the fact that she is alone more often than not.  as a frequent superwoman wannabe, i would give anything to heal those that i love and make everything better in an instant.  perhaps this is me becoming a confused, impatient victim of this "instant gratification" era.  anything can be solved with the simple touch of a button.  have a question?  you can now text cha cha, a service that will answer any question you have in an instant.  i know because i tested it one night among a group of friends.  you can even cite cha cha in a scholarly document, according to them, of course.

i haven't quite jumped on the iphone wagon yet, but i did purchase an itouch last week.  the applications available are slightly overwhelming and made me think:  soon we won't have to think for ourselves anymore, there will be a machine to do it for us.  don't get me wrong...i love google, wikipedia, etc.  finding restaurants in a new city via word of mouth, though, is much more my style (as opposed to urban spoon....another "no effort" program).  i'm sure i

 will get used to these fun new devices soon.  hell, i love my flip video, which is a camcorder that has a usb drive that will flip out with the touch of a button....so fun.  but this iphone thing was just a little frightening to me at first.  i even get annoyed when people try to have text message conversations with me.  what ever happened to the phone call?  maybe i'm old fashioned.  or just lame-0.

is our society too reliant on instant gratification, and if so, does that have an effect on our emotional health?  are new trends in fast-paced electronics a contributor to the rise in divorce rate?  perhaps when things go wrong, people lack the patience, dedication, and effort to make things better over time.  do people seek a fix it button for happiness?  why doesn't cha cha have all the answers?  how do i heal a broken heart? 

i was just on chacha.com to see the questions that have been asked recently.  the list included:  "how do i make girls make out?", "can you milk a fish?", and "how do you say 'i was in spanish' in spanish?".  hahahahaha.  at least it provides for a good laugh!

listen to:  Romeo and Juliet by The Killers..."there's a place for us, you know the movie song, when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?"

an exercise in humility

this blog is primarily about my experiences in life.  i try to avoid blogging about my opinions on others or the way they live their lives.  i just try to make sense of my own via random thoughts posted on the wonderful world of the internet.  for those of you who follow or happen to run by one of my posts, maybe you can relate.  if not, some of my random thoughts make for nice conversation pieces in awkward social situations.

one of my friends recently did a post entitled "fifteen reasons why i suck".  of course after reading it, i totally hijacked it for the polka dot cheesecake room (how original).  i thought it would be a nice exercise in humility, so to speak (er, type).

so here are fifteen reasons why i suck.

one:  i spend way too much money on makeup that i never wear.  i literally walk into mac for one item, then they ask the forbidden question:  "is there anything else you need?"  my reply is alway, "i don't know what do you think?"  duh. 

two:  i get slight anxiety when different foods touch on the same plate.  thanksgiving/christmas dinners are just an open invitation for my family to mess with me.  also, i usually look like to total fat ass at any type of buffet or potluck dinner with my three to four plates.

three:  about ninety percent of the time, i enjoy the company of children more than i do adults.  that may explain why i have yet to grow up myself.

four:  i suck at fixing my hair.  my hairstylist, bless her heart, fixes my hair more often than myself.  someday i will take her on vacation.  

five:  i am bad about taking care of items that i spend a lot of money on i.e. my vehicle.  oil changes would not occur if it weren't for my parents.  my computer/pda/ipod have been dropped one too many times.

six:  i don't do much long-term planning.  i'm not much of a day-to-day girl either.  month-to-month is a great time span in terms of planning.  i have no idea where i will be next year or what i will be doing.  i used to live by the book "women and money" by suze orman.  not so much anymore.

seven:  i react to emotional situations awkwardly.  for example, if i'm really angry i will laugh hysterically.  if i'm really sad, i giggle.  ok i guess i pretty much laugh too much.

eight:  i am terrified of birds.  if they are near me, i get short of breath and my heart races.  i stop talking (see number seven).  it tends to make social situations a little discomfited.

nine:  i tend to overbook myself, both professionally and socially.  i have to back out of appointments and social gatherings too often, but i also require jenna time.  my introvert side pleas for attention at times.

ten:  i despise routine vacuuming.  there has to be some sort of noise created by sucking up dirt, crumbs, etc to provide satisfaction.  that's probably why i love cleaning windows and dusting.  i need instant positive reinforcement in my cleaning efforts.

eleven:  i push the speed limit way too often.  i don't consider myself an impatient person, i just hate sitting around in my car. 

twelve:  to piggyback on number eleven, i get really bored while driving and do things that i probably shouldn't do....editing documents on my pda, painting my toenails, etc.

thirteen:  i outsource many common household duties, which is why i would make a horrible housewife.  when i lived in hawaii, i hired a laundry service.  i don't sew....that's what tailors are for.  i strategically purchase clothes that will never need ironing.

fourteen:  i have really long eyelashes and the inside of my eyelids always itch.  i can't fight the urge to scratch it, so i always do in public and people probably look at my like some kind of circus freak.

fifteen:  i obsessively chew orbiz bubblemint gum out of habit.  i purchase the big containers that fit in your vehicle's cup holders; chew a piece for about two or three minutes; then roll down the window, spit it forward and swat at it at my hand so it flies out the window.  that took a lot of practice and i had plenty of chewed gum on my dashboard to show for it.

listen to:  Hey Ya by Obadiah Parker...."if what they say that nothing is forever, than what makes loves the exception"

polka dot thoughts

i just had an interesting conversation with my best friend regarding our frenzied lifestyle as dancers/choreographers.  the weekends get booked far in advance and way before any personal appointments can be made.  my weekends are booked until november (i have two available weekends), with the exception of next weekend in which i will actually go on a date that has been put off for about, oh, six months.  sigh.  the week is spent working on choreography for the weekend and for my high school team, practices, and dealing with my unaccommodating administration at the high school, whom i've decided is out to get me.  

on the bright side, i adore what i do and i have a best friend who totally gets it.  we will never lead normal lives, as long as we keep doing what were doing, which will probably be a long time.  

i'm leaving for india in october, for two or three weeks, to dance/cheer for a cricket tournament.  random pants, but i'm so excited.

currently reading "the hour i first believed" by wally lamb, and am fixated on each page.  lamb is a genius, and if you haven't read "this much i know is true", you should consider it.  

my baby girl starts kindergarten in two days.  yep, my niece will enter one of the first social

 rites of passage:  public school.  aunt jenna wants to be there to protect her all day.  i'm sure i can think of some crazy alter ego, like when i wore all black, prada shades and a beret 

to her pre-school vocal recital and pretended to be her talent agent from the disney channel.

went to a bridal shower on sunday for my most favorite libra, camie.  she is truly a gem and i feel so blessed to be her friend.  she is an incredibly selfless woman and one who deserves every happiness this world has to offer.  she is marrying the man of her dreams in a few weeks and i cannot wait to witness this joyous occasion.  see, camie is the kind of girl who can fo sho keep it real....she won't become a besotted married woman.  thanks sister.  : )

final random thought for the day:  this morning in our "welcome back staff" meeting at the high school, our superintendent shared that minority student population in our fairly small, varsity blues town has doubled in the past three years.  he continued with "that's not a bad or a good thing, but what is your game plan?".  made me chuckle.

listen to:  Godspeed by Anberlin...."is this another death by misadventure, tell me what you got , what you really got"

summer playlist

since i'm on the road for the remainder of the summer, i thought i would take a moment to share my 2009 summer favs.  listen to them.  you'll thank me later.

Arizona - Kings of Leon

Cold Desert - Kings of Leon

California Waiting - Kings of Leon

Revelry - Kings of Leon

(ok basically any and all Kings of Leon)

Wolf Like Me - TV on the Radio

American Suiteheart - Fall Out Boy

Motorcycle Driveby - Third Eye Blind

Figures - The Whitest Boy Alive

Next Year - Corey Smith

Safe and Sound - Rebelution

Buttons - Sia

Love is Colder Than Death - The Virgins

Radio Christine - The Virgins

Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend

I Stand Corrected - Vampire Weekend

My Beautiful Rescue - This Providence

Fever Fever - Melody Club

Violent and Young - Iglu & Hartley

Autumn - Paolo Nutini

Walking on Air - Kerli Kolov

Don't Stop Believin - Journey (DUH)

Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun

Drowning - Backstreet Boys (that's right...i'm bringing it back)

last....any and all Lyyke Li....and MJ : )

this bittersweet life

i can honestly say that i'm in an extremely happy point in my life.  i've finally realized that the most important thing in my life has been right in front of my face the entire time.  i spent many years traveling around chasing the perfect job, searching for the perfect loft apartment in the hottest neighborhood, trying to find the love of my life, etc.  in high school, i couldn't wait for the day when i could leave the dreaded town and become an "urbanite".  i embraced my black sheep status in the family and yearned to spread my wings and make something of myself.  while my experiences have been fabulous, i still found myself searching for something.  

about six months ago, i was faced with the decision to leave the job of my dreams and come home to re-evaluate my professional life and find a new nest or stay there and continue my

 work-horse habits.  upon my decision to leave, i desperately sprawled my resume out across the nation in hopes that fate would send me where i was supposed to go.  when fate never responded, i found myself back in my "dreaded" hometown.  i decided to go back to school for my masters and get back into the dance industry.  i moved in with my beloved brother, his wife (whom i adore as if she were my own sister), and their precious children.  i reconnected with friends who are incredibly important to me and made new ones whom i've come to cherish.

when my step-dad died, i understood why fate brought be back to this "dreaded" town.  my home is where my heart is, and my heart is with my family.  yesterday, we played an interesting mixture of golf, soccer and dodgeball in the backyard....my brother, the kids and i.  it was one of the best nights i've had in a long time.  today, my sister, my mother, my niece and i had a cupcake party and started icing our faces when we ran out of cupcakes to ice.  great times all around. 

this is where the bittersweetness comes in.....

although the grief of losing my step-dad is less frequent, when it comes, it is overpowering.  through all these great moments, there is a strong sense of absence in my heart when i think about not being able to laugh with him about these memories.  the grief is crippling.  nauseating.  breath-taking.  i know there is supposed to be comfort in the well-known theory that he is with me, watching over me; but right now it makes the distance between us even more unbearable.

they say that time heals, but i am up late again.  alone.  listening to the clock tick.

listen to:  Autumn by Paolo Nutini..."like these autumn leaves i don't have nothing to hold"

the real deal

"love is composed of a single soul 

inhabiting two bodies" ~ aristotle

aristotle said it best when describing the kind of love that i witnessed the union of last week.  in a world where loneliness is feared but separation is common, how do we know what is the "real deal"?

the wedding festivities were held in playa del carmen, mexico.  the entire week was filled with so much joy and laughter that i had to pinch myself.  after losing my step-father three weeks ago, i didn't think it was possible to be this happy again.  i am the type of person who is overjoyed when my friends and family are happy.  nothing makes me happier than those i love being satisfied with life beyond description.  this week was especially wonderful for me because two people i witness the union of two people i love very much:  my cousin and one of my best friends.  

there were a few weak moments.  my cousin's immediate family (and my secondary family) is not the most compliant of this marriage.  it is devastating to me to see someone i love so much hurt, and also frustrating that my family would not stick by each other no matter what.  at the same time, it was magical to see how this couple's love is able to not only overcome this adversity, but radiate happiness and pleasure for all around.  

so, back to my question regarding the "real deal".  my thoughts:  everyone in attendance last week witnessed the "real deal".  it is when their happiness is felt by everyone around them.  it's when no matter what bad happens, being in each other's presence produces good.  it's when each individual would do anything in the world to make the other happy.  it's when they bring out the good in each other and everyone knows it.  i've seen a side of my cousin that i've never seen before....the normally shy man is a wall-flower no more.  his happiness is apparent for all to see.  and i've never seen a woman in love be so selfless in a relationship.  she would do anything for her husband, because his happiness is everything to her. 

the week was filled with new friendships and crazy good times that will never be forgotten.  i would like to congratulate my cousin and new cousin-in-law and wish them all they could ever dream of.  thank you for inspiring cynical singles like myself and making us believers again.  

listen to:  18th Floor Balcony by Blue October..."and I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours"

i can feel your halo

three days ago, my world was changed forever. my step-father suffered a massive heart attack and died. i was driving home from work week in lake geneva, wisconsin. had i been home two hours earlier, i would have witnessed the entire thing. he and my mother were reflecting on each other's day, he got up and went to the kitchen to get seconds of dinner, and collapsed. i cannot imagine the horror that my mother experienced in that moment. he died in our home with my mother and brother by his side.

my step-father (aka "papa") was an incredible man. he stepped in as a spectacular father to my brother and me when he didn't have to. he was always there to give me advice and to make me smile. i never second guessed anything i did because he didn't hesitate to show his pride in my accomplishments. he could heal any wound with a tight embrace. he was so good to my mother. most of all, he absolutely worshipped my niece and nephew.

the physiological reactions one has to this kind of grief are fascinating to me, especially now that i've experienced it. i found out papa died at 10pm on monday and i stared into a blank hole through the night, trying to understand how this happened. the next morning, my mother, brother and i went to the funeral home to make arrangements. i have always loved my brother more than words can describe, but this gave me another new appreciation for him. my mother and i were so disoriented, tired, and grief-stricken that it was hard to make decisions and communicate. the rest of the day was a whirl-wind...people in and out of the house all day bringing food, hugs and memories.

yesterday, i had to say goodbye. how do you summarize everything you want to say to someone in just a few minutes? the family viewing was at 11am. my niece, who is five, understood what was happening and stuck by my side the entire time. my two-year-old nephew did not understand. he was doing cartwheels in front of the casket in an attempt to wake papa up. it was heart-warming and devastating at the same time. by the time we arrived to the visitation at 5pm, there had already been about twenty people that had stopped by to pay their respects. i sat in the front pew, eyes fixed on my papa trying to memorize what his face looked like. when people started lining up in front of him to console my mother, i became short of breath because i couldn't see his face. the entire two hours was like a dream. people came up to me that i should have known, but i just stared at them. i couldn't comprehend what was happening. i couldn't hear what people were saying. my entire body was tense and i was shaking the whole time. when i attempted to stand, my legs wouldn't work.

the most touching moment came towards the end of the visitation. since my step-father was such a well respected man (spent years in law enforcement), there were tons of men in uniform there. as i was gazing at the casket in silence, commotion all around, a young man in uniform walked up to papa, gave him a simple salute, and walked away. didn't say a word to anyone. my grandmother and i were the only ones to witness this event and immediately broke into tears. it was just a beautiful moment that illustrated just how loved and respected my papa was. i am so proud that he was such a great part of my life.

when it was time to say goodbye, i stood and slowly floated towards the casket. i said a few words to one of the greatest men in my life and kissed him on the cheek. my brother came over to help me out. as everyone else was filing out, we stopped and turned around. holding each other tightly, we just stared at him realizing it was the last time we would ever see him. i stated that i didn't want to leave, my brother agreed. we stood there as long as we could, then walked away to try and face the world without him.

nothing can prepare you for the death of a parent. my step-father had heart problems his entire life, and i have often thought about how terrible it will be when his heart finally gives in. i feel like this is a dream, and i have been waiting to wake up. i went from not being able to sleep (days one and two of bereavement) to not being able to get out of bed or eat. i spent six hours listening to the clock tick today and trying to figure out how i am going to do this. i miss him so much it hurts. i feel empty inside. my only comfort is that he is watching me and guiding me to live a life that we can both be proud of, which i will get to eventually, if i ever make it through the fourth stage of grief.

papa, thank you for being the man you didn't have to be. you are loved by so many and your memory will live on forever. i love you so much.

listen to: Halo by Beyonce..."everywhere i'm looking now, i'm surrounded by your embrace"

new perspectives via tequila

while i have always considered myself an ambitious "go-getter", i feel as though i lack a certain degree of boldness. to be bold is a very desirable trait, and one that i would like to add to my list, but i also think there is a thin line between boldness and disrespect. also boldness and stupidity. for example, i have always been a very kind person, always putting other's feelings before mine. while i chase my dreams and always accept new challenges (sometimes too many), i hesitate to be outspoken for fear of rejection, discredit, and the blunt accusation of high-maintenance bitchiness. i like to consider myself a peaceful little princess, not too high strung and very forgiving. it takes a lot to make me feel jaded.

last night, after several tequila shots, i decided to embrace my weariness. i allowed myself to just complain and bitch and moan to one of my best friends (this is rare for me). i would be lying if i said this didn't feel good. it felt great. then, i decided to call the object of my affection, who has also been one of my best friends for years and years and years, and just throw everything out on the table. do i regret it? nope.

i received the news of carl banghart's suicide on friday. carl was a cheerleader at the university i worked at last year and a great person. his girlfriend was on the dance team (which i worked with) and also worked for the same dance company as myself. great girl. great guy. and he is gone. i couldn't believe it. i don't know the whole story and don't need to.

it's a fascinating truth to me that it takes moments like this to make you look at your own life and make some serious decisions on how you want to live. i decided that i couldn't go on with at least telling my friend how i feel. when something good happens in my life, he is the person i want to tell. when something bad happens, he is the one i want to be there for me. i think he is the funniest person on this earth. i cherish everything, even his flaws. so why wouldn't i tell him?

i was having a conversation with a new friend the other day, explaining my multiple jobs, projects, etc, and he said "so do you always get what you want?". i had to think about it, and actually i rarely get what i want. it was an incredibly depressing truth.

in summary, i like this bold new me. i feel as though it complements my ambitious side very nicely. so thank you, tequila, for introducing a part of me that i didn't know existed. will it benefit my long-term well being? that is to be determined. in the meantime, i like how powerful it makes me feel. i am bold, daring, and sassy. i tell it like it is. don't mess with me (i had to add that line just for the dramatic effect). side note: this does not mean i am becoming a closet alcoholic, or a mexican.

listen to: The Dance by Charlotte Martin...."inside my mouth i can hear all the voices say do not lean over the ledge. i shouldn't look down and i shouldn't have found that your lips i still taste in my head"

whisk me away

tomorrow, i am being whisked away.  a friend invited me to a relaxing weekend at a lake house in louisiana, and against my better judgement, i said yes.  actually, i think it is a good decision.  i have been so busy lately.  like, every minute of my day is scheduled, yet i am still late for everything and totally behind on tasks.  one day about a week ago i entirely forgot to eat.  all day.  i need to escape.  i need this.  

when i get back, i have one day off then i am leaving for work week (aka our summer training for the dance company i am employed with).  following that, i have around 14 days off this summer....seven of which are to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding in mexico, and one that is the fourth of july.  i have practice with my team the other days i have off (aka not traveling).  sigh.  it's gonna be a long yet fulfilling summer.  i still get goosebumps at the fact that i can travel all over the place doing what i love:  dancing.  it never gets old.  here is a brief breakdown of my summer adventures:

lake geneva, wisconsin

oklahoma city, oklahoma

birmingham, alabama

playa del carmen, mexico (yay)

des moines, iowa

lake of the ozarks, mo

st louis, mo

springfield, mo (yep, i get to work a camp in my home town!)

st louis, mo (again)

milwaukee, wisconsin

santa barbara, california OR scranton, pennsylvania

kansas city, mo

whew...i can't wait to see old friends, dance my face off, inspire hundreds of girls to dance their faces off, and of course, make lots of money.

but until then, i can't wait to be whisked away to a lake house with no agenda at all.  sigh.

listen to:  Happiness by The Fray..."happiness is just outside my window, would it crash blowing blowing 80-miles an hour?"

important life skills

last night, i attended a free women's self-defense class with a few of my girls and my mom.  overall there were many good tips on attacking men and tips on avoiding the situation, but my favorite part was the drills that we got to practice on the men who volunteered to teach the class.  poor guys.  it felt great to be able to take a 250 lb man to the ground, but also scary to think that i may have to use this someday.  our instructor told us that 1 in 3 women is attacked during their lifetime.  

our instructor also made another valid point:  that this is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. many women carry mace or a taser, but don't know how to use these properly, especially when their adrenaline is through the roof. there is a high possibility that these weapons would actually be used against the women as they fumble around trying to figure out the mechanics of them.  so, while carrying a taser may seem sensible to avoid an attack, the fact is that same taser may actually be used against you.  scary.  

on my way to teach class this morning, i passed the latest "student-designed bulletin board" in my office building.  how ironic that the board's latest topic is a hypothetical program called "all around woman" designed for the boys and girls club.  here is a summary of the program, taken directly from the bulletin board:

"this program has been designed to target different aspects of a girls life that are helpful to know while growing up and becoming a more independent woman.  the different sections of our program include:  sewing, cooking, nutrition, hair & makeup, body image, laundry, and ironing." 

yes, sewing is a VERY important life skill.  personally, i attribute my high level of independence to my knowledge of sewing.  are you kidding me?  the only valid program highlights i see in that last sentence are nutrition and body image.  where is women's self defense?  here are some interesting statistics:

In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner.  That's an average of three women every day.  Of all the women murdered in the U.S., about one-third were killed by an intimate partner.

17.6 % of women in the United States have survived a completed or attempted rape.

Every two minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.

More than half of all rapes of women occur before age 18.

Almost two-thirds of all rapes are committed by someone who is known to the victim. 

Somewhere in America a woman is battered, usually by her intimate partner, every 15 seconds. 

More than one million women are stalked annually in the United States.

Of female murder victims in 2005, 33.4% were killed by their husbands or boyfriends. In contrast, 2.4% of the male victims were murdered by their wives or girlfriends.

yes, it does appear that sewing is an important life skill to learn about while preparing to become a woman.  aaaaahhhhhhh!  if i ever decide to raise a child, and if one or more of them are girls, i do solemnly swear to get them some kind of self-defense training.  THAT, my friends, is one of the greatest gifts i will give my children.  screw the nice car or the latest mp3 trend, the ability to save your own life outweighs all this stuff.  a few months ago i blogged about jodi sanderholm, a former co-worker and friend who was raped and murdered.  she is gone now, and the car she drove or the possessions she had are no longer of importance.  

please, if you are a woman i urge you to take this seriously.  get educated on the facts.  prepare yourself for an assault before it is too late.

listen to:  Fever Fever by Melody Club..."she's in your mind and you are blinded and she put a spell on you"

daily commitments

"some people seem to have such a passion for righteousness that they have no room left for compassion to those who have failed" ~ Charles Allen

yesterday was a rather dark and twisty day.  i actually considered becoming a hermit on some deserted island and spending the rest of my days creating seashell art to sell on ebay in a strategic effort to avoid people.  when you open up your heart to let people in, there is a certain risk of heartache involved...a risk i am far too familiar with.  yesterday, something terrible happened to a loved one of mine.  i have the tendency to get extremely upset when those i love are deliberately hurt (who doesn't).  so while nothing happened that directly affected me, i still found myself completely devastated that people can be so heartless to one another.  as an idealist, there is the naive part of me that never quite understands this dark side of human nature.  i will never comprehend how so many people can be thirsty for fame, fortune and possessions rather than righteousness....how so many people are driven by ego rather than love.  

so today, i am reaffirming my daily choices about my life.  these commitments remind me to refocus my negative energy into something more humane...to keep faith in myself when i lose faith in others.  

i choose kindness.  even to the unkind, for they are afraid.

i choose goodness.  i will go without a dollar before i take a dishonest one.

i choose humility.  i will be the first to admit my mistakes.

i choose modesty.  i will be overlooked before i will boast.

i choose peace.  i will forgive so that i may live.

i choose faithfulness.  my friends and family will never question my devotion.

i choose loyalty.  i will keep my word.

i choose love.  no occasion justifies hatred, no injustice warrants bitterness.

listen to:  Live High by Jason Mraz..."are we all here standing naked taking guesses at the actual date and time?"

me, lately

according to wikipedia:

Puppy love or a crush is an informal term for feelings of love, particularly between young people during adolescence (or in this case, a 25 year old who at times acts like an adolescent), so-called for its resemblance to the adoring, worshipful affection that may be felt by a puppy. The term is often used in a derogatory fashion, describing emotions which are shallow and transient in comparison to other forms of love such as romantic love.  i completely disagree.

The term (also commonly described as a "crush") can also be used to describe the fondness of a child for an adult. For example, a student's being attracted to his or her teacher could be considered puppy love.  hmmm....i really hope none of my students have puppy love for me.  awkward.  

The term "puppy love" may meet with resistance from the people whose affections it is used to describe. The term is commonly perceived to be patronizing and belittling of genuine emotion. Use of this term might also be seen as an invalidation of the person's feelings.

belittling of genuine emotion?  fascinating.  again, i disagree.  perhaps timidity and fear (think "head in the clouds"), but not belittling.  although they are pretty rare (i have high standards....blame my daddy and older brother for that one), i love having crushes.  almost to the extent of not pursuing my love interest because i love the excitement of "crushing".  yay.

listen to:  Cannonball by Vienna Teng..."it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball"