polka dot thoughts

i just had an interesting conversation with my best friend regarding our frenzied lifestyle as dancers/choreographers.  the weekends get booked far in advance and way before any personal appointments can be made.  my weekends are booked until november (i have two available weekends), with the exception of next weekend in which i will actually go on a date that has been put off for about, oh, six months.  sigh.  the week is spent working on choreography for the weekend and for my high school team, practices, and dealing with my unaccommodating administration at the high school, whom i've decided is out to get me.  

on the bright side, i adore what i do and i have a best friend who totally gets it.  we will never lead normal lives, as long as we keep doing what were doing, which will probably be a long time.  

i'm leaving for india in october, for two or three weeks, to dance/cheer for a cricket tournament.  random pants, but i'm so excited.

currently reading "the hour i first believed" by wally lamb, and am fixated on each page.  lamb is a genius, and if you haven't read "this much i know is true", you should consider it.  

my baby girl starts kindergarten in two days.  yep, my niece will enter one of the first social

 rites of passage:  public school.  aunt jenna wants to be there to protect her all day.  i'm sure i can think of some crazy alter ego, like when i wore all black, prada shades and a beret 

to her pre-school vocal recital and pretended to be her talent agent from the disney channel.

went to a bridal shower on sunday for my most favorite libra, camie.  she is truly a gem and i feel so blessed to be her friend.  she is an incredibly selfless woman and one who deserves every happiness this world has to offer.  she is marrying the man of her dreams in a few weeks and i cannot wait to witness this joyous occasion.  see, camie is the kind of girl who can fo sho keep it real....she won't become a besotted married woman.  thanks sister.  : )

final random thought for the day:  this morning in our "welcome back staff" meeting at the high school, our superintendent shared that minority student population in our fairly small, varsity blues town has doubled in the past three years.  he continued with "that's not a bad or a good thing, but what is your game plan?".  made me chuckle.

listen to:  Godspeed by Anberlin...."is this another death by misadventure, tell me what you got , what you really got"

summer playlist

since i'm on the road for the remainder of the summer, i thought i would take a moment to share my 2009 summer favs.  listen to them.  you'll thank me later.

Arizona - Kings of Leon

Cold Desert - Kings of Leon

California Waiting - Kings of Leon

Revelry - Kings of Leon

(ok basically any and all Kings of Leon)

Wolf Like Me - TV on the Radio

American Suiteheart - Fall Out Boy

Motorcycle Driveby - Third Eye Blind

Figures - The Whitest Boy Alive

Next Year - Corey Smith

Safe and Sound - Rebelution

Buttons - Sia

Love is Colder Than Death - The Virgins

Radio Christine - The Virgins

Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend

I Stand Corrected - Vampire Weekend

My Beautiful Rescue - This Providence

Fever Fever - Melody Club

Violent and Young - Iglu & Hartley

Autumn - Paolo Nutini

Walking on Air - Kerli Kolov

Don't Stop Believin - Journey (DUH)

Walking on a Dream - Empire of the Sun

Drowning - Backstreet Boys (that's right...i'm bringing it back)

last....any and all Lyyke Li....and MJ : )

this bittersweet life

i can honestly say that i'm in an extremely happy point in my life.  i've finally realized that the most important thing in my life has been right in front of my face the entire time.  i spent many years traveling around chasing the perfect job, searching for the perfect loft apartment in the hottest neighborhood, trying to find the love of my life, etc.  in high school, i couldn't wait for the day when i could leave the dreaded town and become an "urbanite".  i embraced my black sheep status in the family and yearned to spread my wings and make something of myself.  while my experiences have been fabulous, i still found myself searching for something.  

about six months ago, i was faced with the decision to leave the job of my dreams and come home to re-evaluate my professional life and find a new nest or stay there and continue my

 work-horse habits.  upon my decision to leave, i desperately sprawled my resume out across the nation in hopes that fate would send me where i was supposed to go.  when fate never responded, i found myself back in my "dreaded" hometown.  i decided to go back to school for my masters and get back into the dance industry.  i moved in with my beloved brother, his wife (whom i adore as if she were my own sister), and their precious children.  i reconnected with friends who are incredibly important to me and made new ones whom i've come to cherish.

when my step-dad died, i understood why fate brought be back to this "dreaded" town.  my home is where my heart is, and my heart is with my family.  yesterday, we played an interesting mixture of golf, soccer and dodgeball in the backyard....my brother, the kids and i.  it was one of the best nights i've had in a long time.  today, my sister, my mother, my niece and i had a cupcake party and started icing our faces when we ran out of cupcakes to ice.  great times all around. 

this is where the bittersweetness comes in.....

although the grief of losing my step-dad is less frequent, when it comes, it is overpowering.  through all these great moments, there is a strong sense of absence in my heart when i think about not being able to laugh with him about these memories.  the grief is crippling.  nauseating.  breath-taking.  i know there is supposed to be comfort in the well-known theory that he is with me, watching over me; but right now it makes the distance between us even more unbearable.

they say that time heals, but i am up late again.  alone.  listening to the clock tick.

listen to:  Autumn by Paolo Nutini..."like these autumn leaves i don't have nothing to hold"

the real deal

"love is composed of a single soul 

inhabiting two bodies" ~ aristotle

aristotle said it best when describing the kind of love that i witnessed the union of last week.  in a world where loneliness is feared but separation is common, how do we know what is the "real deal"?

the wedding festivities were held in playa del carmen, mexico.  the entire week was filled with so much joy and laughter that i had to pinch myself.  after losing my step-father three weeks ago, i didn't think it was possible to be this happy again.  i am the type of person who is overjoyed when my friends and family are happy.  nothing makes me happier than those i love being satisfied with life beyond description.  this week was especially wonderful for me because two people i witness the union of two people i love very much:  my cousin and one of my best friends.  

there were a few weak moments.  my cousin's immediate family (and my secondary family) is not the most compliant of this marriage.  it is devastating to me to see someone i love so much hurt, and also frustrating that my family would not stick by each other no matter what.  at the same time, it was magical to see how this couple's love is able to not only overcome this adversity, but radiate happiness and pleasure for all around.  

so, back to my question regarding the "real deal".  my thoughts:  everyone in attendance last week witnessed the "real deal".  it is when their happiness is felt by everyone around them.  it's when no matter what bad happens, being in each other's presence produces good.  it's when each individual would do anything in the world to make the other happy.  it's when they bring out the good in each other and everyone knows it.  i've seen a side of my cousin that i've never seen before....the normally shy man is a wall-flower no more.  his happiness is apparent for all to see.  and i've never seen a woman in love be so selfless in a relationship.  she would do anything for her husband, because his happiness is everything to her. 

the week was filled with new friendships and crazy good times that will never be forgotten.  i would like to congratulate my cousin and new cousin-in-law and wish them all they could ever dream of.  thank you for inspiring cynical singles like myself and making us believers again.  

listen to:  18th Floor Balcony by Blue October..."and I raised my hand as if to show you that I was yours"

i can feel your halo

three days ago, my world was changed forever. my step-father suffered a massive heart attack and died. i was driving home from work week in lake geneva, wisconsin. had i been home two hours earlier, i would have witnessed the entire thing. he and my mother were reflecting on each other's day, he got up and went to the kitchen to get seconds of dinner, and collapsed. i cannot imagine the horror that my mother experienced in that moment. he died in our home with my mother and brother by his side.

my step-father (aka "papa") was an incredible man. he stepped in as a spectacular father to my brother and me when he didn't have to. he was always there to give me advice and to make me smile. i never second guessed anything i did because he didn't hesitate to show his pride in my accomplishments. he could heal any wound with a tight embrace. he was so good to my mother. most of all, he absolutely worshipped my niece and nephew.

the physiological reactions one has to this kind of grief are fascinating to me, especially now that i've experienced it. i found out papa died at 10pm on monday and i stared into a blank hole through the night, trying to understand how this happened. the next morning, my mother, brother and i went to the funeral home to make arrangements. i have always loved my brother more than words can describe, but this gave me another new appreciation for him. my mother and i were so disoriented, tired, and grief-stricken that it was hard to make decisions and communicate. the rest of the day was a whirl-wind...people in and out of the house all day bringing food, hugs and memories.

yesterday, i had to say goodbye. how do you summarize everything you want to say to someone in just a few minutes? the family viewing was at 11am. my niece, who is five, understood what was happening and stuck by my side the entire time. my two-year-old nephew did not understand. he was doing cartwheels in front of the casket in an attempt to wake papa up. it was heart-warming and devastating at the same time. by the time we arrived to the visitation at 5pm, there had already been about twenty people that had stopped by to pay their respects. i sat in the front pew, eyes fixed on my papa trying to memorize what his face looked like. when people started lining up in front of him to console my mother, i became short of breath because i couldn't see his face. the entire two hours was like a dream. people came up to me that i should have known, but i just stared at them. i couldn't comprehend what was happening. i couldn't hear what people were saying. my entire body was tense and i was shaking the whole time. when i attempted to stand, my legs wouldn't work.

the most touching moment came towards the end of the visitation. since my step-father was such a well respected man (spent years in law enforcement), there were tons of men in uniform there. as i was gazing at the casket in silence, commotion all around, a young man in uniform walked up to papa, gave him a simple salute, and walked away. didn't say a word to anyone. my grandmother and i were the only ones to witness this event and immediately broke into tears. it was just a beautiful moment that illustrated just how loved and respected my papa was. i am so proud that he was such a great part of my life.

when it was time to say goodbye, i stood and slowly floated towards the casket. i said a few words to one of the greatest men in my life and kissed him on the cheek. my brother came over to help me out. as everyone else was filing out, we stopped and turned around. holding each other tightly, we just stared at him realizing it was the last time we would ever see him. i stated that i didn't want to leave, my brother agreed. we stood there as long as we could, then walked away to try and face the world without him.

nothing can prepare you for the death of a parent. my step-father had heart problems his entire life, and i have often thought about how terrible it will be when his heart finally gives in. i feel like this is a dream, and i have been waiting to wake up. i went from not being able to sleep (days one and two of bereavement) to not being able to get out of bed or eat. i spent six hours listening to the clock tick today and trying to figure out how i am going to do this. i miss him so much it hurts. i feel empty inside. my only comfort is that he is watching me and guiding me to live a life that we can both be proud of, which i will get to eventually, if i ever make it through the fourth stage of grief.

papa, thank you for being the man you didn't have to be. you are loved by so many and your memory will live on forever. i love you so much.

listen to: Halo by Beyonce..."everywhere i'm looking now, i'm surrounded by your embrace"

new perspectives via tequila

while i have always considered myself an ambitious "go-getter", i feel as though i lack a certain degree of boldness. to be bold is a very desirable trait, and one that i would like to add to my list, but i also think there is a thin line between boldness and disrespect. also boldness and stupidity. for example, i have always been a very kind person, always putting other's feelings before mine. while i chase my dreams and always accept new challenges (sometimes too many), i hesitate to be outspoken for fear of rejection, discredit, and the blunt accusation of high-maintenance bitchiness. i like to consider myself a peaceful little princess, not too high strung and very forgiving. it takes a lot to make me feel jaded.

last night, after several tequila shots, i decided to embrace my weariness. i allowed myself to just complain and bitch and moan to one of my best friends (this is rare for me). i would be lying if i said this didn't feel good. it felt great. then, i decided to call the object of my affection, who has also been one of my best friends for years and years and years, and just throw everything out on the table. do i regret it? nope.

i received the news of carl banghart's suicide on friday. carl was a cheerleader at the university i worked at last year and a great person. his girlfriend was on the dance team (which i worked with) and also worked for the same dance company as myself. great girl. great guy. and he is gone. i couldn't believe it. i don't know the whole story and don't need to.

it's a fascinating truth to me that it takes moments like this to make you look at your own life and make some serious decisions on how you want to live. i decided that i couldn't go on with at least telling my friend how i feel. when something good happens in my life, he is the person i want to tell. when something bad happens, he is the one i want to be there for me. i think he is the funniest person on this earth. i cherish everything, even his flaws. so why wouldn't i tell him?

i was having a conversation with a new friend the other day, explaining my multiple jobs, projects, etc, and he said "so do you always get what you want?". i had to think about it, and actually i rarely get what i want. it was an incredibly depressing truth.

in summary, i like this bold new me. i feel as though it complements my ambitious side very nicely. so thank you, tequila, for introducing a part of me that i didn't know existed. will it benefit my long-term well being? that is to be determined. in the meantime, i like how powerful it makes me feel. i am bold, daring, and sassy. i tell it like it is. don't mess with me (i had to add that line just for the dramatic effect). side note: this does not mean i am becoming a closet alcoholic, or a mexican.

listen to: The Dance by Charlotte Martin...."inside my mouth i can hear all the voices say do not lean over the ledge. i shouldn't look down and i shouldn't have found that your lips i still taste in my head"

whisk me away

tomorrow, i am being whisked away.  a friend invited me to a relaxing weekend at a lake house in louisiana, and against my better judgement, i said yes.  actually, i think it is a good decision.  i have been so busy lately.  like, every minute of my day is scheduled, yet i am still late for everything and totally behind on tasks.  one day about a week ago i entirely forgot to eat.  all day.  i need to escape.  i need this.  

when i get back, i have one day off then i am leaving for work week (aka our summer training for the dance company i am employed with).  following that, i have around 14 days off this summer....seven of which are to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding in mexico, and one that is the fourth of july.  i have practice with my team the other days i have off (aka not traveling).  sigh.  it's gonna be a long yet fulfilling summer.  i still get goosebumps at the fact that i can travel all over the place doing what i love:  dancing.  it never gets old.  here is a brief breakdown of my summer adventures:

lake geneva, wisconsin

oklahoma city, oklahoma

birmingham, alabama

playa del carmen, mexico (yay)

des moines, iowa

lake of the ozarks, mo

st louis, mo

springfield, mo (yep, i get to work a camp in my home town!)

st louis, mo (again)

milwaukee, wisconsin

santa barbara, california OR scranton, pennsylvania

kansas city, mo

whew...i can't wait to see old friends, dance my face off, inspire hundreds of girls to dance their faces off, and of course, make lots of money.

but until then, i can't wait to be whisked away to a lake house with no agenda at all.  sigh.

listen to:  Happiness by The Fray..."happiness is just outside my window, would it crash blowing blowing 80-miles an hour?"

important life skills

last night, i attended a free women's self-defense class with a few of my girls and my mom.  overall there were many good tips on attacking men and tips on avoiding the situation, but my favorite part was the drills that we got to practice on the men who volunteered to teach the class.  poor guys.  it felt great to be able to take a 250 lb man to the ground, but also scary to think that i may have to use this someday.  our instructor told us that 1 in 3 women is attacked during their lifetime.  

our instructor also made another valid point:  that this is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. many women carry mace or a taser, but don't know how to use these properly, especially when their adrenaline is through the roof. there is a high possibility that these weapons would actually be used against the women as they fumble around trying to figure out the mechanics of them.  so, while carrying a taser may seem sensible to avoid an attack, the fact is that same taser may actually be used against you.  scary.  

on my way to teach class this morning, i passed the latest "student-designed bulletin board" in my office building.  how ironic that the board's latest topic is a hypothetical program called "all around woman" designed for the boys and girls club.  here is a summary of the program, taken directly from the bulletin board:

"this program has been designed to target different aspects of a girls life that are helpful to know while growing up and becoming a more independent woman.  the different sections of our program include:  sewing, cooking, nutrition, hair & makeup, body image, laundry, and ironing." 

yes, sewing is a VERY important life skill.  personally, i attribute my high level of independence to my knowledge of sewing.  are you kidding me?  the only valid program highlights i see in that last sentence are nutrition and body image.  where is women's self defense?  here are some interesting statistics:

In 2005, 1,181 women were murdered by an intimate partner.  That's an average of three women every day.  Of all the women murdered in the U.S., about one-third were killed by an intimate partner.

17.6 % of women in the United States have survived a completed or attempted rape.

Every two minutes, somewhere in America, someone is sexually assaulted.

More than half of all rapes of women occur before age 18.

Almost two-thirds of all rapes are committed by someone who is known to the victim. 

Somewhere in America a woman is battered, usually by her intimate partner, every 15 seconds. 

More than one million women are stalked annually in the United States.

Of female murder victims in 2005, 33.4% were killed by their husbands or boyfriends. In contrast, 2.4% of the male victims were murdered by their wives or girlfriends.

yes, it does appear that sewing is an important life skill to learn about while preparing to become a woman.  aaaaahhhhhhh!  if i ever decide to raise a child, and if one or more of them are girls, i do solemnly swear to get them some kind of self-defense training.  THAT, my friends, is one of the greatest gifts i will give my children.  screw the nice car or the latest mp3 trend, the ability to save your own life outweighs all this stuff.  a few months ago i blogged about jodi sanderholm, a former co-worker and friend who was raped and murdered.  she is gone now, and the car she drove or the possessions she had are no longer of importance.  

please, if you are a woman i urge you to take this seriously.  get educated on the facts.  prepare yourself for an assault before it is too late.

listen to:  Fever Fever by Melody Club..."she's in your mind and you are blinded and she put a spell on you"

daily commitments

"some people seem to have such a passion for righteousness that they have no room left for compassion to those who have failed" ~ Charles Allen

yesterday was a rather dark and twisty day.  i actually considered becoming a hermit on some deserted island and spending the rest of my days creating seashell art to sell on ebay in a strategic effort to avoid people.  when you open up your heart to let people in, there is a certain risk of heartache involved...a risk i am far too familiar with.  yesterday, something terrible happened to a loved one of mine.  i have the tendency to get extremely upset when those i love are deliberately hurt (who doesn't).  so while nothing happened that directly affected me, i still found myself completely devastated that people can be so heartless to one another.  as an idealist, there is the naive part of me that never quite understands this dark side of human nature.  i will never comprehend how so many people can be thirsty for fame, fortune and possessions rather than righteousness....how so many people are driven by ego rather than love.  

so today, i am reaffirming my daily choices about my life.  these commitments remind me to refocus my negative energy into something more humane...to keep faith in myself when i lose faith in others.  

i choose kindness.  even to the unkind, for they are afraid.

i choose goodness.  i will go without a dollar before i take a dishonest one.

i choose humility.  i will be the first to admit my mistakes.

i choose modesty.  i will be overlooked before i will boast.

i choose peace.  i will forgive so that i may live.

i choose faithfulness.  my friends and family will never question my devotion.

i choose loyalty.  i will keep my word.

i choose love.  no occasion justifies hatred, no injustice warrants bitterness.

listen to:  Live High by Jason Mraz..."are we all here standing naked taking guesses at the actual date and time?"

me, lately

according to wikipedia:

Puppy love or a crush is an informal term for feelings of love, particularly between young people during adolescence (or in this case, a 25 year old who at times acts like an adolescent), so-called for its resemblance to the adoring, worshipful affection that may be felt by a puppy. The term is often used in a derogatory fashion, describing emotions which are shallow and transient in comparison to other forms of love such as romantic love.  i completely disagree.

The term (also commonly described as a "crush") can also be used to describe the fondness of a child for an adult. For example, a student's being attracted to his or her teacher could be considered puppy love.  hmmm....i really hope none of my students have puppy love for me.  awkward.  

The term "puppy love" may meet with resistance from the people whose affections it is used to describe. The term is commonly perceived to be patronizing and belittling of genuine emotion. Use of this term might also be seen as an invalidation of the person's feelings.

belittling of genuine emotion?  fascinating.  again, i disagree.  perhaps timidity and fear (think "head in the clouds"), but not belittling.  although they are pretty rare (i have high standards....blame my daddy and older brother for that one), i love having crushes.  almost to the extent of not pursuing my love interest because i love the excitement of "crushing".  yay.

listen to:  Cannonball by Vienna Teng..."it's not hard to fall, when you float like a cannonball"

time for change

last night, i decided to give my blog a new image.  perhaps this will inspire me to give it a little more attention...my blog, that is.  i felt as though i needed something lighter....something that will reflect my days in this wonderful world more.  i've been told that i am a pretty weird person.  i get a kick out of some of the most random things, like sitting in my bathroom sink to floss my teeth, naming my body parts after clothing designers, creating my own language, putting loose change in parking meters even when no one is parked there (i love the noise it makes), etc.  

i hate polka dots.  hate them.  i don't hate many things but polka dots would have to be in the top five along with birds, millennium kids, black olives (taste like blood), and constipation.

i love cheesecake.  who doesn't?  the irony in this is that i am a vegan.  my theory is that you should eat to live, not live to eat...but then there is the glorious taste of cheesecake.  Ah.

love and hate.  two of the most basic human emotions.  i am not ashamed to say i am a very emotional person.  that is part of the beauty in being a woman.  sure, we have days when we are less than desirable to be around (more simply called pms), but we also have moments of incredible grace.  we have relationships with each other that can withstand any test of adversity.  we are nurturing and can heal a wound with a kiss or a broken heart with a bottle of wine and some company.  we cry when we are devastated or when we are overjoyed with happiness.  if you were to ask me what my favorite role is, it would simple be that i am a woman. 

this blog is quite simple.  it's about random thoughts i have throughout my day.  more importantly though, it's about human emotion from the perspective of a lover, an artist, an idealist, a fighter, a survivor, and most importantly....a woman.

listen to:  Lift Me Up by Kate Voegele..."everything worth having, oh, comes with trials worth withstanding"

thoughts on the respiratory system

i've been on quite the yoga kick lately.  from intense bikram yoga weekend sessions in kansas city to teaching four classes of yoga/mat pilates to my classes at the university, i've really been exploring the concept of connecting with your breath during physical activity.  this takes practice, synchronizing your breath with every move you do, but comes naturally to me as a dancer.  in dance, breath is used to activate your core and emphasize movement (i.e. contractions).  there are entire studies of dance based on breath.  in bikram yoga, you use your breath to energize from within and relax your body so that the heat (~112 degrees) doesn't get to you...mind over matter, friends.  in most forms of yoga, you use your breath to find stillness inside yourself and relax during savasana (dead body pose).  

this evening, i took a yoga class with two of my fabulous girlfriends, and spent my post-workout relaxation (or as i call it, the dessert of yoga) using my breath to guide me through

a profound meditation.  the deeper i got, the more i thought about the significance that breath has on us.  two nights ago, my niece and i were indulging in a ducktales marathon (please tell me you remember that cartoon) and she conked out in my arms.  there is nothing in the whole world more relaxing than feeling the breath of a little angel as she sleeps.  this is my happy place.  anytime i am freaking out about life, i mentally take myself somewhere where my little duchess is sleeping and my heartbeat magically slows down.  i think about some of the moments in which i have been totally, one-hundred percent peaceful:  in the arms of a special someone, just feeling each other's breath; laying on the beach in hawaii, listening to the waves and inhaling the scent of the ocean; dancing alone in a dark studio, my breath guiding me to movement that expresses my soul.

life is so beautiful if you just remember to breathe deeply, often.

listen to:  Accidental Babies by Damien Rice..."and is he dark enough, enough to see your light?"