new perspectives via tequila

while i have always considered myself an ambitious "go-getter", i feel as though i lack a certain degree of boldness. to be bold is a very desirable trait, and one that i would like to add to my list, but i also think there is a thin line between boldness and disrespect. also boldness and stupidity. for example, i have always been a very kind person, always putting other's feelings before mine. while i chase my dreams and always accept new challenges (sometimes too many), i hesitate to be outspoken for fear of rejection, discredit, and the blunt accusation of high-maintenance bitchiness. i like to consider myself a peaceful little princess, not too high strung and very forgiving. it takes a lot to make me feel jaded.

last night, after several tequila shots, i decided to embrace my weariness. i allowed myself to just complain and bitch and moan to one of my best friends (this is rare for me). i would be lying if i said this didn't feel good. it felt great. then, i decided to call the object of my affection, who has also been one of my best friends for years and years and years, and just throw everything out on the table. do i regret it? nope.

i received the news of carl banghart's suicide on friday. carl was a cheerleader at the university i worked at last year and a great person. his girlfriend was on the dance team (which i worked with) and also worked for the same dance company as myself. great girl. great guy. and he is gone. i couldn't believe it. i don't know the whole story and don't need to.

it's a fascinating truth to me that it takes moments like this to make you look at your own life and make some serious decisions on how you want to live. i decided that i couldn't go on with at least telling my friend how i feel. when something good happens in my life, he is the person i want to tell. when something bad happens, he is the one i want to be there for me. i think he is the funniest person on this earth. i cherish everything, even his flaws. so why wouldn't i tell him?

i was having a conversation with a new friend the other day, explaining my multiple jobs, projects, etc, and he said "so do you always get what you want?". i had to think about it, and actually i rarely get what i want. it was an incredibly depressing truth.

in summary, i like this bold new me. i feel as though it complements my ambitious side very nicely. so thank you, tequila, for introducing a part of me that i didn't know existed. will it benefit my long-term well being? that is to be determined. in the meantime, i like how powerful it makes me feel. i am bold, daring, and sassy. i tell it like it is. don't mess with me (i had to add that line just for the dramatic effect). side note: this does not mean i am becoming a closet alcoholic, or a mexican.

listen to: The Dance by Charlotte Martin...."inside my mouth i can hear all the voices say do not lean over the ledge. i shouldn't look down and i shouldn't have found that your lips i still taste in my head"

whisk me away

tomorrow, i am being whisked away.  a friend invited me to a relaxing weekend at a lake house in louisiana, and against my better judgement, i said yes.  actually, i think it is a good decision.  i have been so busy lately.  like, every minute of my day is scheduled, yet i am still late for everything and totally behind on tasks.  one day about a week ago i entirely forgot to eat.  all day.  i need to escape.  i need this.  

when i get back, i have one day off then i am leaving for work week (aka our summer training for the dance company i am employed with).  following that, i have around 14 days off this summer....seven of which are to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding in mexico, and one that is the fourth of july.  i have practice with my team the other days i have off (aka not traveling).  sigh.  it's gonna be a long yet fulfilling summer.  i still get goosebumps at the fact that i can travel all over the place doing what i love:  dancing.  it never gets old.  here is a brief breakdown of my summer adventures:

lake geneva, wisconsin

oklahoma city, oklahoma

birmingham, alabama

playa del carmen, mexico (yay)

des moines, iowa

lake of the ozarks, mo

st louis, mo

springfield, mo (yep, i get to work a camp in my home town!)

st louis, mo (again)

milwaukee, wisconsin

santa barbara, california OR scranton, pennsylvania

kansas city, mo

whew...i can't wait to see old friends, dance my face off, inspire hundreds of girls to dance their faces off, and of course, make lots of money.

but until then, i can't wait to be whisked away to a lake house with no agenda at all.  sigh.

listen to:  Happiness by The Fray..."happiness is just outside my window, would it crash blowing blowing 80-miles an hour?"