new perspectives via tequila

while i have always considered myself an ambitious "go-getter", i feel as though i lack a certain degree of boldness. to be bold is a very desirable trait, and one that i would like to add to my list, but i also think there is a thin line between boldness and disrespect. also boldness and stupidity. for example, i have always been a very kind person, always putting other's feelings before mine. while i chase my dreams and always accept new challenges (sometimes too many), i hesitate to be outspoken for fear of rejection, discredit, and the blunt accusation of high-maintenance bitchiness. i like to consider myself a peaceful little princess, not too high strung and very forgiving. it takes a lot to make me feel jaded.

last night, after several tequila shots, i decided to embrace my weariness. i allowed myself to just complain and bitch and moan to one of my best friends (this is rare for me). i would be lying if i said this didn't feel good. it felt great. then, i decided to call the object of my affection, who has also been one of my best friends for years and years and years, and just throw everything out on the table. do i regret it? nope.

i received the news of carl banghart's suicide on friday. carl was a cheerleader at the university i worked at last year and a great person. his girlfriend was on the dance team (which i worked with) and also worked for the same dance company as myself. great girl. great guy. and he is gone. i couldn't believe it. i don't know the whole story and don't need to.

it's a fascinating truth to me that it takes moments like this to make you look at your own life and make some serious decisions on how you want to live. i decided that i couldn't go on with at least telling my friend how i feel. when something good happens in my life, he is the person i want to tell. when something bad happens, he is the one i want to be there for me. i think he is the funniest person on this earth. i cherish everything, even his flaws. so why wouldn't i tell him?

i was having a conversation with a new friend the other day, explaining my multiple jobs, projects, etc, and he said "so do you always get what you want?". i had to think about it, and actually i rarely get what i want. it was an incredibly depressing truth.

in summary, i like this bold new me. i feel as though it complements my ambitious side very nicely. so thank you, tequila, for introducing a part of me that i didn't know existed. will it benefit my long-term well being? that is to be determined. in the meantime, i like how powerful it makes me feel. i am bold, daring, and sassy. i tell it like it is. don't mess with me (i had to add that line just for the dramatic effect). side note: this does not mean i am becoming a closet alcoholic, or a mexican.

listen to: The Dance by Charlotte Martin...."inside my mouth i can hear all the voices say do not lean over the ledge. i shouldn't look down and i shouldn't have found that your lips i still taste in my head"