the art of perfection

dancers are trained to strive for perfection, to practice like you perform, and to never settle for average. that's how i was trained. looking back, this type of pedagogy can send some very mixed messages, especially to a young girl. when i was about 9 years old, i was trained by a russian ballet instructor, who was aggressive in her teachings, even to a point of pushing us to flexibility beyond our natural reach. my training was limited to rigorous amounts of ballet for almost twelve years, until i started to branch out into more contemporary movement such as jazz, modern and hip hop.

i find this an interesting metaphor for my life. ballet is based on the idea of perfection. a ballerina's movement is precise and based on years of

technique. when watching a ballet, i am always mystified by the perfection of their lines, the grace of their hands, and the precision of their poise. oddly enough, i also find myself cringing. i would never find happiness in executing this type of movement, although i have a great respect for it. i much rather prefer contemporary, modern types of movement such as the alvin ailey dance theater (which i had the pleasure of seeing in concert last week....amazing). the dancers are athletic and strong, yet they still have a grace about them that is majestic. rather than taking the choreographers steps and mimicking them to perfection, they incorporate their own passion, making each piece meaningful to both the performer and the audience.

several months ago, i wrote blog post about why i suck. on a more serious note, here are some things about me that are far from perfect: sometimes i get insecure in relationships; i am a worry

wart....i worry about people that i care about; i have unrealistic expectations for myself and sometimes am hard on myself when i fail; i tend to be indecisive and get stressed out when a big decision lies before me; and i don't deal well with change; among many others.

the point is....i love myself and i am comfortable embracing my flaws. unconditionally. perfection has never been in my blood and i would prefer to avoid it. recently in my life, i have been in situations where i feel like perfection is expected of me, or rather, my flaws are a problem. for a while, i let that get me down. i felt unconfident. today i am reaffirming my love for myself. i am grateful for my friends and family who accept me for who i am, imperfections and all. like the dancers of alvin ailey and their unpredictable movement, i am at peace with myself, free to move as i please with love and acceptance.

listen to: Come Down to Me by Saving Jane...."you're beautiful, just the way you are. and i love it all, every line and every scar"

he said/she said

the term, “he said/she said” is often heard in the unfortunate case of rape. in this situation the term applies to the fact that when there is little factual evidence on which to base a decision the jury is left trying to determine who’s story they believe and the case becomes one of her word against his. i find myself wondering when it became alright to use this argument in disagreements with your significant other. the differences between men and women include differences in thought process, sensitivity, memory, and communication. in my mind, a successful relationship is one that recognizes the difference between men and women and is able to get beyond the "he said/she said" scenarios.

i've spent most of my day googling topics such as "how to get more affection from your significant other" and "relationship differences in men and women". for the first time in my life, i am discovering just how much work love can be. on the flip side, i have learned a lot about myself, and despite the outcome i will have become a better person in this relationship. that is a good feeling.

a woman needs sensuous affection like a plant needs water. without it, her feminine, romantic nature will shrivel and die. she can be freely affectionate with a man and meet his need for sensuous affection only as he meets her need. scary. the thought of losing my feminine, romantic nature gives me knots in my tummy, probably because i'm in stage one. when i was single, i went through stages of cynicism about relationships, and i was always unhappy about it. i preferred my idealistic outlook, that there was someone out there right for me. lately, i once again find myself cynical in relationships and that frightens me, especially since i am in one (yikes).

i have also learned that men don't respond well to asking for affection, because it comes across as nagging or being needy (eek). so how does one attempt to have their needs fulfilled? well, according to the many articles i have read today, there are several tactics to use. here comes more cynicism...when did relationships become a game? why do we need a play book to get our needs fulfilled? ugh. this is frustrating.

i've also learned that women look at almost every interaction as either relationship-promoting or distance-promoting. this makes me cringe because i hate to think that i do that, but in reality, i do. men on the other hand look at interactions as serving a purpose (communication of information, accomplishment of a task, entertainment, etc.). finally some good advice:

For women: Realize that not every interaction has relationship meaning. Do not assign relationship meaning to interactions with a man unless the meaning is obvious. Better yet, ask him if there's meaning behind his actions.

For men: If you're in a relationship with a woman, realize that she needs closeness. Focus on the relationship some of every day, showing love, affection, and attention toward her in some of your interactions with her.

the differences between men and women has been an age-old mystery. in relationships, lack of understanding can either make or break the connection. sometimes i feel like i will never fully understand how this works (not that i'm considering becoming a lesbian). as an idealist, i have always hoped for an incredible love that would be "enough", however speckles of realism shatter my idealistic approach by the reality that sometimes, love is not enough. i am tossing my hands up on this one, and turning to my faith to give me the answers. in the meantime, i'm going upstairs, opening the fridge, and eating my emotions. not really...ok maybe...ugh.

listen to: This Years Love by David Grey...."before i open up my arms and fall, losing all control, every dream inside my soul"