this bittersweet life

i can honestly say that i'm in an extremely happy point in my life.  i've finally realized that the most important thing in my life has been right in front of my face the entire time.  i spent many years traveling around chasing the perfect job, searching for the perfect loft apartment in the hottest neighborhood, trying to find the love of my life, etc.  in high school, i couldn't wait for the day when i could leave the dreaded town and become an "urbanite".  i embraced my black sheep status in the family and yearned to spread my wings and make something of myself.  while my experiences have been fabulous, i still found myself searching for something.  

about six months ago, i was faced with the decision to leave the job of my dreams and come home to re-evaluate my professional life and find a new nest or stay there and continue my

 work-horse habits.  upon my decision to leave, i desperately sprawled my resume out across the nation in hopes that fate would send me where i was supposed to go.  when fate never responded, i found myself back in my "dreaded" hometown.  i decided to go back to school for my masters and get back into the dance industry.  i moved in with my beloved brother, his wife (whom i adore as if she were my own sister), and their precious children.  i reconnected with friends who are incredibly important to me and made new ones whom i've come to cherish.

when my step-dad died, i understood why fate brought be back to this "dreaded" town.  my home is where my heart is, and my heart is with my family.  yesterday, we played an interesting mixture of golf, soccer and dodgeball in the backyard....my brother, the kids and i.  it was one of the best nights i've had in a long time.  today, my sister, my mother, my niece and i had a cupcake party and started icing our faces when we ran out of cupcakes to ice.  great times all around. 

this is where the bittersweetness comes in.....

although the grief of losing my step-dad is less frequent, when it comes, it is overpowering.  through all these great moments, there is a strong sense of absence in my heart when i think about not being able to laugh with him about these memories.  the grief is crippling.  nauseating.  breath-taking.  i know there is supposed to be comfort in the well-known theory that he is with me, watching over me; but right now it makes the distance between us even more unbearable.

they say that time heals, but i am up late again.  alone.  listening to the clock tick.

listen to:  Autumn by Paolo Nutini..."like these autumn leaves i don't have nothing to hold"