immersing in the elements

i am a worshipper of the elements: earth, air, fire, water (ok, maybe not so much fire). the most serene and blissful act in my life is taking time away from the year 2010 and just being among earth's beauty. don't get me wrong, i am also a worshipper of the iphone. angry birds app kicks so much ass right now. in a world where life can be overwhelming, i so much appreciate the self-soothing act of breathing in fresh air and hearing the sounds of water moving effortlessly. it is the most spiritual thing i have in my life...it is where i go to be close to God.

i've moved around a lot in my short lifespan (ozark, kansas city, hawaii, now virginia). every new habitat seems complete once i find my "earth spot". every earth spot has a different feel that i believe reflects a) the town/city i am living in, and more importantly b) the current state of affairs in my life. in ozark, my earth spot was a nature trail that followed along a river. this spot was unique in that the trails were always full of happy people. on a sunny

day, you could walk along the path and everyone you saw could be your best friend because everyone was so happy to enjoy the day. that was a period of my life that was abundant in close,

meaningful relationships (friends and family).

in kansas city, i lived in a neighborhood i love love loved! every morning, i would go jogging through the neighborhood and end on a pier overlooking the river for a nice stretch. there was also a modest view of the city, and city that i loved. this period of my life was full of new beginnings and excitement. i loved living in the city and being a new young professional. i was proud of my accomplishments and had an appreciation for a city that cherished the arts.

next i moved to hawaii, which has plenty of earth spots, as you can imagine. hawaii was an interesting stage in my life because i moved out there to achieve my dreams, which at the time were to have a tremendously successful career. i discovered something entirely different through several earth sessions among hawaii's breathtaking ocean views. i could

spend an entire day just looking at the horizon measuring what was important in my life.

i am so excited to announce that i found my local earth spot today. it is a humble river view with stunning views of trees, trees and more trees. there are remnants of pre-civil war era buildings that are just begging to be explored. this area is very different than former earth spots, and coincidently this stage in my life is different that former experiences. the river is shallow and therefore has a soothing sound, which provides me with the comfort i need right now. it amazes me how God's grace works, you just have to look for it. he provides you with exactly what you need if you ask for it and you are open to receiving it (sometimes in ways that are not apparent).

i know that no matter what happens in my life, i can find inner strength through the things that give me comfort and beauty....earth, air, water (no fire).

listen to: fallen awake by keri kimmel...."how long can we try can we keep holding on?"

to be a dog

i almost forgot how to do this.....

my last post was in february. since then i have moved across the country to be an adventurous explorer striving to have faith, follow my instincts, be madly in love and believe that i will end up exactly where i should. for someone like me who feels my way through life, this can be

difficult. i've found that my adjustment periods on big moves like this can be challenging as that uneasy feeling tends to overwhelm me. sometimes i feel like i'm flailing around like a hyperactive monkey. other times i feel like a blind person, walking around with my arms extended waiting to feel what

comes next. really though, i just want to be like a dog....no concern about the future except the next feeding time. dogs are simple creatures. they relish in the simple things. they don't live in the past. to be a dog.....

career-wise, i have always landed on my feet. somehow in every adverse situation, or every situation in which the future is unknown, i end up exactly where i am supposed to. and boy it feels good. while i have faith that i'll get there, i'm totally stuck in limbo right now. so while i'm waiting for the stars to line up, yoga will be my best friend (maybe that is where they get the term "starving artist"....bored unemployed dancers who have nothing to do but exercise).

my personal life could also be described as "limbo-esque". the change in residency has created quite a change in my social schedule. "girl's night" on monday has been replaced with "watch tv with my cat night". don't get me wrong, i love my life here (and my cat), but if

these walls could talk they would speak of a progressive loss of sanity to a once twenty-something social butterfly, complete with lady gaga hairbrush sing-a-longs and conversations with bugs. scary.

now that i've got all the complaints out of the way....

i'm very blessed. i have a man who loves me and a healthy existence. i'm grateful for the deep friendships i have, even though they are separated by hundreds and thousands of miles. i love my family through thick and thin and know that they too, will love me to the end. no matter what happens, i will always have the greatest therapy inside my heart and that is my dance. even when i'm old and crippled, i will still have the passion in my soul and that is the most blessed gift in my life. that is what keeps me going through these stages; that is what gives me faith that everything will get better. having that passion reminds me that i am a living, breathing human who makes mistakes, lives for love, feels sorrow, and breathes in new life while sustaining the ability to know who i am. i have always felt my way through life and vow today, and everyday to continue to do so. i would just like to do it more like a dog....with no worries. more faith, i say.

ruff.

listen to: "Hey, Soul Sista" by Train (one of my fav hairbrush sing-a-longs at this time, among hundreds)...."the way you can cut a rug, watching you's the only drug I need

You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of

You see, I can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you be with me"

the art of perfection

dancers are trained to strive for perfection, to practice like you perform, and to never settle for average. that's how i was trained. looking back, this type of pedagogy can send some very mixed messages, especially to a young girl. when i was about 9 years old, i was trained by a russian ballet instructor, who was aggressive in her teachings, even to a point of pushing us to flexibility beyond our natural reach. my training was limited to rigorous amounts of ballet for almost twelve years, until i started to branch out into more contemporary movement such as jazz, modern and hip hop.

i find this an interesting metaphor for my life. ballet is based on the idea of perfection. a ballerina's movement is precise and based on years of

technique. when watching a ballet, i am always mystified by the perfection of their lines, the grace of their hands, and the precision of their poise. oddly enough, i also find myself cringing. i would never find happiness in executing this type of movement, although i have a great respect for it. i much rather prefer contemporary, modern types of movement such as the alvin ailey dance theater (which i had the pleasure of seeing in concert last week....amazing). the dancers are athletic and strong, yet they still have a grace about them that is majestic. rather than taking the choreographers steps and mimicking them to perfection, they incorporate their own passion, making each piece meaningful to both the performer and the audience.

several months ago, i wrote blog post about why i suck. on a more serious note, here are some things about me that are far from perfect: sometimes i get insecure in relationships; i am a worry

wart....i worry about people that i care about; i have unrealistic expectations for myself and sometimes am hard on myself when i fail; i tend to be indecisive and get stressed out when a big decision lies before me; and i don't deal well with change; among many others.

the point is....i love myself and i am comfortable embracing my flaws. unconditionally. perfection has never been in my blood and i would prefer to avoid it. recently in my life, i have been in situations where i feel like perfection is expected of me, or rather, my flaws are a problem. for a while, i let that get me down. i felt unconfident. today i am reaffirming my love for myself. i am grateful for my friends and family who accept me for who i am, imperfections and all. like the dancers of alvin ailey and their unpredictable movement, i am at peace with myself, free to move as i please with love and acceptance.

listen to: Come Down to Me by Saving Jane...."you're beautiful, just the way you are. and i love it all, every line and every scar"

he said/she said

the term, “he said/she said” is often heard in the unfortunate case of rape. in this situation the term applies to the fact that when there is little factual evidence on which to base a decision the jury is left trying to determine who’s story they believe and the case becomes one of her word against his. i find myself wondering when it became alright to use this argument in disagreements with your significant other. the differences between men and women include differences in thought process, sensitivity, memory, and communication. in my mind, a successful relationship is one that recognizes the difference between men and women and is able to get beyond the "he said/she said" scenarios.

i've spent most of my day googling topics such as "how to get more affection from your significant other" and "relationship differences in men and women". for the first time in my life, i am discovering just how much work love can be. on the flip side, i have learned a lot about myself, and despite the outcome i will have become a better person in this relationship. that is a good feeling.

a woman needs sensuous affection like a plant needs water. without it, her feminine, romantic nature will shrivel and die. she can be freely affectionate with a man and meet his need for sensuous affection only as he meets her need. scary. the thought of losing my feminine, romantic nature gives me knots in my tummy, probably because i'm in stage one. when i was single, i went through stages of cynicism about relationships, and i was always unhappy about it. i preferred my idealistic outlook, that there was someone out there right for me. lately, i once again find myself cynical in relationships and that frightens me, especially since i am in one (yikes).

i have also learned that men don't respond well to asking for affection, because it comes across as nagging or being needy (eek). so how does one attempt to have their needs fulfilled? well, according to the many articles i have read today, there are several tactics to use. here comes more cynicism...when did relationships become a game? why do we need a play book to get our needs fulfilled? ugh. this is frustrating.

i've also learned that women look at almost every interaction as either relationship-promoting or distance-promoting. this makes me cringe because i hate to think that i do that, but in reality, i do. men on the other hand look at interactions as serving a purpose (communication of information, accomplishment of a task, entertainment, etc.). finally some good advice:

For women: Realize that not every interaction has relationship meaning. Do not assign relationship meaning to interactions with a man unless the meaning is obvious. Better yet, ask him if there's meaning behind his actions.

For men: If you're in a relationship with a woman, realize that she needs closeness. Focus on the relationship some of every day, showing love, affection, and attention toward her in some of your interactions with her.

the differences between men and women has been an age-old mystery. in relationships, lack of understanding can either make or break the connection. sometimes i feel like i will never fully understand how this works (not that i'm considering becoming a lesbian). as an idealist, i have always hoped for an incredible love that would be "enough", however speckles of realism shatter my idealistic approach by the reality that sometimes, love is not enough. i am tossing my hands up on this one, and turning to my faith to give me the answers. in the meantime, i'm going upstairs, opening the fridge, and eating my emotions. not really...ok maybe...ugh.

listen to: This Years Love by David Grey...."before i open up my arms and fall, losing all control, every dream inside my soul"

snow day

it's snowing outside, which is an excellent excuse to stay bundled up inside all day. while the ideal activity would be to knock some items off the never-ending to do list, i have found that it is a perfect day to perform mind-numbing tasks. for example, i spent thirty minutes re-organizing my jewelry box this morning. then, i creeped around facebook for a good hour to see how many of my friends are expecting (a lot). furthermore, i have decided to blog rather than clean my bathroom, which my niece yarfed all over last night.

at the end of every calendar year, i like to reflect back on the year. overall, 2009 was a significant year that both sucked and kicked ass (to put it in juvenile terms). i started my master's in january and made a ton of new friends while teaching at a local university. i had the most amazing valentine's day ever with my two best friends, then one of them moved to dubai. i miss her. in march, i turned twenty-five therefore making me a speed limit. in april, i got a job coaching my high school dance team, and in the summer i taught dance camps with uda. in summary, i successfully returned to the dance industry and made the final decision to stay there, no matter how frugal the lifestyle. in june, i faced my biggest challenge to date and that is when my step-father passed away. in august, i tried something new and made the decision to be set up on a blind date. to this day, i have no idea what compelled me to do that, but in effect i met the love of my life. the series of events are so bizarre but so beautiful at the same time. in october, i spent three weeks in india, performing as a dancer/cheerleader and visiting orphanages. in november, i spent a week in nyc and performed for the macy's t-day parade. in december, i had the best christmas ever with my family as well as my new family (aka, my significant others' others). it was a great year.

for no good reason, i have been exceedingly negative lately. i have yet to figure out what i need to change in my life, or if this is just a prolonged case of pms. regardless, i was challenged to make my entire day today reek of positivity, which is tricky when afflicted with child-like boredom. in 2010, i would like to slow down, breathe, and give thanks daily for the blessings in my life......

i am thankful for my health....especially after witnessing two yarfing kiddos last night (my niece and nephew), one with fluids coming out both ends (ew). my whole parenting plan might be postponed from that traumatic evening.

i am thankful for my family.....the other day i spilled a thirty pound box of kitty litter down my brother's carpeted stairs, but he wouldn't let me clean it up because i was crying so hard. my family understands that i am a mess and accepts me, emotional instability and all. my niece thinks i'm the coolest person ever. so what if she's five years old and doesn't know better?

i am thankful for my talent and creativity.....i will never take this for granted. i will never stop enjoying the simple movement of my arms, hands, torso, head, legs, feet, toes and eyes while dancing. even when i am handicapped due to overuse injuries, i will still give thanks to god through movement and share that joy with others (which might look weird as a cripple).

i am thankful for my amazing friends.....who can turn any frown upside down. who i can trust to go to for advice on anything, no matter how silly. who i can talk to about anything, like funny dreams, crazy thoughts, or even erratic health symptoms (like ibs). they love me just the way i am and i wouldn't change anything about them.

i am thankful for my opportunities....i will never stop acting on my dreams. i will never see something as unattainable but rather believe that i can do anything i set my mind to. also, i am thankful for my brain. yep. i am glad that i am a rational thinker and have enough intelligence to separate reality from make-believe. i pride myself on balancing idealism with realism.

i am thankful for my companion.....who is my strength when i feel weak. who believes in me/us and will never stop. who has given me more love than i imagined possible. who is the most patient man i have ever known as he has helped me realize that i deserve love and i have the capacity to accept it. who i will walk with forever and share dreams with.

bring it on, 2010.

listen to: Closer by Keb' Mo'...."i'm so in love with you getting closer is all i want to do"