i can feel your halo

three days ago, my world was changed forever. my step-father suffered a massive heart attack and died. i was driving home from work week in lake geneva, wisconsin. had i been home two hours earlier, i would have witnessed the entire thing. he and my mother were reflecting on each other's day, he got up and went to the kitchen to get seconds of dinner, and collapsed. i cannot imagine the horror that my mother experienced in that moment. he died in our home with my mother and brother by his side.

my step-father (aka "papa") was an incredible man. he stepped in as a spectacular father to my brother and me when he didn't have to. he was always there to give me advice and to make me smile. i never second guessed anything i did because he didn't hesitate to show his pride in my accomplishments. he could heal any wound with a tight embrace. he was so good to my mother. most of all, he absolutely worshipped my niece and nephew.

the physiological reactions one has to this kind of grief are fascinating to me, especially now that i've experienced it. i found out papa died at 10pm on monday and i stared into a blank hole through the night, trying to understand how this happened. the next morning, my mother, brother and i went to the funeral home to make arrangements. i have always loved my brother more than words can describe, but this gave me another new appreciation for him. my mother and i were so disoriented, tired, and grief-stricken that it was hard to make decisions and communicate. the rest of the day was a whirl-wind...people in and out of the house all day bringing food, hugs and memories.

yesterday, i had to say goodbye. how do you summarize everything you want to say to someone in just a few minutes? the family viewing was at 11am. my niece, who is five, understood what was happening and stuck by my side the entire time. my two-year-old nephew did not understand. he was doing cartwheels in front of the casket in an attempt to wake papa up. it was heart-warming and devastating at the same time. by the time we arrived to the visitation at 5pm, there had already been about twenty people that had stopped by to pay their respects. i sat in the front pew, eyes fixed on my papa trying to memorize what his face looked like. when people started lining up in front of him to console my mother, i became short of breath because i couldn't see his face. the entire two hours was like a dream. people came up to me that i should have known, but i just stared at them. i couldn't comprehend what was happening. i couldn't hear what people were saying. my entire body was tense and i was shaking the whole time. when i attempted to stand, my legs wouldn't work.

the most touching moment came towards the end of the visitation. since my step-father was such a well respected man (spent years in law enforcement), there were tons of men in uniform there. as i was gazing at the casket in silence, commotion all around, a young man in uniform walked up to papa, gave him a simple salute, and walked away. didn't say a word to anyone. my grandmother and i were the only ones to witness this event and immediately broke into tears. it was just a beautiful moment that illustrated just how loved and respected my papa was. i am so proud that he was such a great part of my life.

when it was time to say goodbye, i stood and slowly floated towards the casket. i said a few words to one of the greatest men in my life and kissed him on the cheek. my brother came over to help me out. as everyone else was filing out, we stopped and turned around. holding each other tightly, we just stared at him realizing it was the last time we would ever see him. i stated that i didn't want to leave, my brother agreed. we stood there as long as we could, then walked away to try and face the world without him.

nothing can prepare you for the death of a parent. my step-father had heart problems his entire life, and i have often thought about how terrible it will be when his heart finally gives in. i feel like this is a dream, and i have been waiting to wake up. i went from not being able to sleep (days one and two of bereavement) to not being able to get out of bed or eat. i spent six hours listening to the clock tick today and trying to figure out how i am going to do this. i miss him so much it hurts. i feel empty inside. my only comfort is that he is watching me and guiding me to live a life that we can both be proud of, which i will get to eventually, if i ever make it through the fourth stage of grief.

papa, thank you for being the man you didn't have to be. you are loved by so many and your memory will live on forever. i love you so much.

listen to: Halo by Beyonce..."everywhere i'm looking now, i'm surrounded by your embrace"