i have just begun changing by your grace

last year, i did a blog about why i suck. here is a follow up to that blog, this one on reason why i think i don't suck.....

i love that i think animals are magical creatures who can hear your thoughts;

i love that my body cracks at every joint when i move, a well deserved symbol representing years of dancing;

i love that i show off my bruises with pride, the temporary scars from a victorious battle with the dance floor;

i love my ass, which is why i am constantly parading around my nest in boy shorts;

i love that i am never too old to learn something new....i am currently mastering my back handspring;

i love that music can stimulate choreography throughout my body and i don't have to move a muscle;

i love thinking like a child, so simple and innocent;

i love that no matter how many times i am crushed, i am always willing to give my heart away;

i love the laugh lines i am getting as i age, a sign of happiness (or resilience, in my case);

i love that i will never give up on myself, even if others have no faith in me;

i love that when i laugh really hard, i snort sometimes;

i love that i can carry on a conversation with anyone, getting to know people is just fascinating to me;

i love my values;

i love that i think about what i put into my body, the food industry has become our worst enemy;

i love that i get tipsy after one glass of wine;

i love that i have the silliest dreams, like morphing into a billy goat;

i love that my belly button in a innie....outies are gross;

i love that i wear my heart on my sleeve, even though it sometimes gets me in trouble;

i love that i refuse to let others define me....i dance to my own tune;

i love that i have learned how to forgive through unfortunate experiences;

i love that i will always give anyone the benefit of the doubt and believe in people's good intentions;

i love being slight...i can fit in the sink if i really needed to;

i love my hair color.

that's all for now.

listen to: beautiful, beautiful by francesca battistelli...."and though it's pouring down i see You through the clouds shining on my face"

new beginnings

although i have neglected my once beloved blog, the coming of a new year has inspired me to reflect and re-evaluate. new beginnings can be both exciting and scary. while 2010 was full of ups and downs, the year ended with a new beginning in my life. after almost 27 years, i have figured out exactly how to take charge of my life: surrender. through loved ones, i discovered a layer of my personality that is unlike others. i have always strived for the upmost physical health while completely turning my head to my mental health. i discovered that i have pmdd, a condition that causes depression and anxiety, among other symptoms, during pre-menstruation. at last, i threw up my hands and realized that i was unable to control this demon inside me, and began taking anti depressants. for the first time in years, i feel in control of my emotions. i feel confident. i no longer automatically decide that the worst-case scenario applies to me. i find joy in everyday splendors. i genuinely feel blessed for my job while driving to work. i feel neither regret nor guilt for the things i’ve done. it was a long hard road, but it helped me get closer to me.

unfortunately, i have hurt others on my journey. i pray for forgiveness daily. while my personal new beginning brings me joy and hope for the new year, i fear that my life may change significantly. while this new self-awareness is a blessing, it has also wiped out many delusions. i have found that my idealistic hope, which i once cherished, has converted to a more stable realism. of course, we want to believe that everything will work out, that all your hopes and dreams will come true, that things will always work out if your believe they will, that love will always prevail. the truth is, the world is full of heartache and disappointment. the peace in that is that survival is not only possible, it can make you stronger.

i am almost 27 years old, and at times I feel like I’m 60. for example, my mother just turned 60 years old, and i feel like I have a better grip on reality than she does. it’s a bittersweet thing, because i do adore my mother, but many of my downfalls i unfortunately categorize as learned behaviors from my mother. while my intentions are never bad, i unconsciously deliver passive-aggressive attacks to my loved ones and try to manipulate their feelings. this is not only embarrassing and disappointing, it makes me angry that i can cause such pain to those i love and not even mean to. this is not who I am deep down. my heart is full of love. i care deeply for my loved ones. i vow to spread joy all those who know me. through my job, i am dedicated to being a sound role model for young women, despite my personal shortcomings. i feel like it is a constant struggle, because i want to be known for the real me, at at times it gets me down even though deep down i know my life will be better in the long run once i learn to live with this. i know this is something i will overcome, even though i may have lost everything because of it. i am peaceful knowing that i am in charge now, and even though my heart may break and i may lose the only person i’ve ever TRULY loved, he will be happier and i will survive this with a better sense of myself. someday I will overcome this and have so much to offer. i feel happy knowing that i can admire the true me and discover how beautiful i am through this journey. for the first time in a long time, i truly love me.

listen to: just the way you are by bruno mars....."when i see your face there's not a thing that i would change because you're amazing just the way you are"

immersing in the elements

i am a worshipper of the elements: earth, air, fire, water (ok, maybe not so much fire). the most serene and blissful act in my life is taking time away from the year 2010 and just being among earth's beauty. don't get me wrong, i am also a worshipper of the iphone. angry birds app kicks so much ass right now. in a world where life can be overwhelming, i so much appreciate the self-soothing act of breathing in fresh air and hearing the sounds of water moving effortlessly. it is the most spiritual thing i have in my life...it is where i go to be close to God.

i've moved around a lot in my short lifespan (ozark, kansas city, hawaii, now virginia). every new habitat seems complete once i find my "earth spot". every earth spot has a different feel that i believe reflects a) the town/city i am living in, and more importantly b) the current state of affairs in my life. in ozark, my earth spot was a nature trail that followed along a river. this spot was unique in that the trails were always full of happy people. on a sunny

day, you could walk along the path and everyone you saw could be your best friend because everyone was so happy to enjoy the day. that was a period of my life that was abundant in close,

meaningful relationships (friends and family).

in kansas city, i lived in a neighborhood i love love loved! every morning, i would go jogging through the neighborhood and end on a pier overlooking the river for a nice stretch. there was also a modest view of the city, and city that i loved. this period of my life was full of new beginnings and excitement. i loved living in the city and being a new young professional. i was proud of my accomplishments and had an appreciation for a city that cherished the arts.

next i moved to hawaii, which has plenty of earth spots, as you can imagine. hawaii was an interesting stage in my life because i moved out there to achieve my dreams, which at the time were to have a tremendously successful career. i discovered something entirely different through several earth sessions among hawaii's breathtaking ocean views. i could

spend an entire day just looking at the horizon measuring what was important in my life.

i am so excited to announce that i found my local earth spot today. it is a humble river view with stunning views of trees, trees and more trees. there are remnants of pre-civil war era buildings that are just begging to be explored. this area is very different than former earth spots, and coincidently this stage in my life is different that former experiences. the river is shallow and therefore has a soothing sound, which provides me with the comfort i need right now. it amazes me how God's grace works, you just have to look for it. he provides you with exactly what you need if you ask for it and you are open to receiving it (sometimes in ways that are not apparent).

i know that no matter what happens in my life, i can find inner strength through the things that give me comfort and beauty....earth, air, water (no fire).

listen to: fallen awake by keri kimmel...."how long can we try can we keep holding on?"

to be a dog

i almost forgot how to do this.....

my last post was in february. since then i have moved across the country to be an adventurous explorer striving to have faith, follow my instincts, be madly in love and believe that i will end up exactly where i should. for someone like me who feels my way through life, this can be

difficult. i've found that my adjustment periods on big moves like this can be challenging as that uneasy feeling tends to overwhelm me. sometimes i feel like i'm flailing around like a hyperactive monkey. other times i feel like a blind person, walking around with my arms extended waiting to feel what

comes next. really though, i just want to be like a dog....no concern about the future except the next feeding time. dogs are simple creatures. they relish in the simple things. they don't live in the past. to be a dog.....

career-wise, i have always landed on my feet. somehow in every adverse situation, or every situation in which the future is unknown, i end up exactly where i am supposed to. and boy it feels good. while i have faith that i'll get there, i'm totally stuck in limbo right now. so while i'm waiting for the stars to line up, yoga will be my best friend (maybe that is where they get the term "starving artist"....bored unemployed dancers who have nothing to do but exercise).

my personal life could also be described as "limbo-esque". the change in residency has created quite a change in my social schedule. "girl's night" on monday has been replaced with "watch tv with my cat night". don't get me wrong, i love my life here (and my cat), but if

these walls could talk they would speak of a progressive loss of sanity to a once twenty-something social butterfly, complete with lady gaga hairbrush sing-a-longs and conversations with bugs. scary.

now that i've got all the complaints out of the way....

i'm very blessed. i have a man who loves me and a healthy existence. i'm grateful for the deep friendships i have, even though they are separated by hundreds and thousands of miles. i love my family through thick and thin and know that they too, will love me to the end. no matter what happens, i will always have the greatest therapy inside my heart and that is my dance. even when i'm old and crippled, i will still have the passion in my soul and that is the most blessed gift in my life. that is what keeps me going through these stages; that is what gives me faith that everything will get better. having that passion reminds me that i am a living, breathing human who makes mistakes, lives for love, feels sorrow, and breathes in new life while sustaining the ability to know who i am. i have always felt my way through life and vow today, and everyday to continue to do so. i would just like to do it more like a dog....with no worries. more faith, i say.

ruff.

listen to: "Hey, Soul Sista" by Train (one of my fav hairbrush sing-a-longs at this time, among hundreds)...."the way you can cut a rug, watching you's the only drug I need

You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of

You see, I can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you be with me"

the art of perfection

dancers are trained to strive for perfection, to practice like you perform, and to never settle for average. that's how i was trained. looking back, this type of pedagogy can send some very mixed messages, especially to a young girl. when i was about 9 years old, i was trained by a russian ballet instructor, who was aggressive in her teachings, even to a point of pushing us to flexibility beyond our natural reach. my training was limited to rigorous amounts of ballet for almost twelve years, until i started to branch out into more contemporary movement such as jazz, modern and hip hop.

i find this an interesting metaphor for my life. ballet is based on the idea of perfection. a ballerina's movement is precise and based on years of

technique. when watching a ballet, i am always mystified by the perfection of their lines, the grace of their hands, and the precision of their poise. oddly enough, i also find myself cringing. i would never find happiness in executing this type of movement, although i have a great respect for it. i much rather prefer contemporary, modern types of movement such as the alvin ailey dance theater (which i had the pleasure of seeing in concert last week....amazing). the dancers are athletic and strong, yet they still have a grace about them that is majestic. rather than taking the choreographers steps and mimicking them to perfection, they incorporate their own passion, making each piece meaningful to both the performer and the audience.

several months ago, i wrote blog post about why i suck. on a more serious note, here are some things about me that are far from perfect: sometimes i get insecure in relationships; i am a worry

wart....i worry about people that i care about; i have unrealistic expectations for myself and sometimes am hard on myself when i fail; i tend to be indecisive and get stressed out when a big decision lies before me; and i don't deal well with change; among many others.

the point is....i love myself and i am comfortable embracing my flaws. unconditionally. perfection has never been in my blood and i would prefer to avoid it. recently in my life, i have been in situations where i feel like perfection is expected of me, or rather, my flaws are a problem. for a while, i let that get me down. i felt unconfident. today i am reaffirming my love for myself. i am grateful for my friends and family who accept me for who i am, imperfections and all. like the dancers of alvin ailey and their unpredictable movement, i am at peace with myself, free to move as i please with love and acceptance.

listen to: Come Down to Me by Saving Jane...."you're beautiful, just the way you are. and i love it all, every line and every scar"

he said/she said

the term, “he said/she said” is often heard in the unfortunate case of rape. in this situation the term applies to the fact that when there is little factual evidence on which to base a decision the jury is left trying to determine who’s story they believe and the case becomes one of her word against his. i find myself wondering when it became alright to use this argument in disagreements with your significant other. the differences between men and women include differences in thought process, sensitivity, memory, and communication. in my mind, a successful relationship is one that recognizes the difference between men and women and is able to get beyond the "he said/she said" scenarios.

i've spent most of my day googling topics such as "how to get more affection from your significant other" and "relationship differences in men and women". for the first time in my life, i am discovering just how much work love can be. on the flip side, i have learned a lot about myself, and despite the outcome i will have become a better person in this relationship. that is a good feeling.

a woman needs sensuous affection like a plant needs water. without it, her feminine, romantic nature will shrivel and die. she can be freely affectionate with a man and meet his need for sensuous affection only as he meets her need. scary. the thought of losing my feminine, romantic nature gives me knots in my tummy, probably because i'm in stage one. when i was single, i went through stages of cynicism about relationships, and i was always unhappy about it. i preferred my idealistic outlook, that there was someone out there right for me. lately, i once again find myself cynical in relationships and that frightens me, especially since i am in one (yikes).

i have also learned that men don't respond well to asking for affection, because it comes across as nagging or being needy (eek). so how does one attempt to have their needs fulfilled? well, according to the many articles i have read today, there are several tactics to use. here comes more cynicism...when did relationships become a game? why do we need a play book to get our needs fulfilled? ugh. this is frustrating.

i've also learned that women look at almost every interaction as either relationship-promoting or distance-promoting. this makes me cringe because i hate to think that i do that, but in reality, i do. men on the other hand look at interactions as serving a purpose (communication of information, accomplishment of a task, entertainment, etc.). finally some good advice:

For women: Realize that not every interaction has relationship meaning. Do not assign relationship meaning to interactions with a man unless the meaning is obvious. Better yet, ask him if there's meaning behind his actions.

For men: If you're in a relationship with a woman, realize that she needs closeness. Focus on the relationship some of every day, showing love, affection, and attention toward her in some of your interactions with her.

the differences between men and women has been an age-old mystery. in relationships, lack of understanding can either make or break the connection. sometimes i feel like i will never fully understand how this works (not that i'm considering becoming a lesbian). as an idealist, i have always hoped for an incredible love that would be "enough", however speckles of realism shatter my idealistic approach by the reality that sometimes, love is not enough. i am tossing my hands up on this one, and turning to my faith to give me the answers. in the meantime, i'm going upstairs, opening the fridge, and eating my emotions. not really...ok maybe...ugh.

listen to: This Years Love by David Grey...."before i open up my arms and fall, losing all control, every dream inside my soul"

snow day

it's snowing outside, which is an excellent excuse to stay bundled up inside all day. while the ideal activity would be to knock some items off the never-ending to do list, i have found that it is a perfect day to perform mind-numbing tasks. for example, i spent thirty minutes re-organizing my jewelry box this morning. then, i creeped around facebook for a good hour to see how many of my friends are expecting (a lot). furthermore, i have decided to blog rather than clean my bathroom, which my niece yarfed all over last night.

at the end of every calendar year, i like to reflect back on the year. overall, 2009 was a significant year that both sucked and kicked ass (to put it in juvenile terms). i started my master's in january and made a ton of new friends while teaching at a local university. i had the most amazing valentine's day ever with my two best friends, then one of them moved to dubai. i miss her. in march, i turned twenty-five therefore making me a speed limit. in april, i got a job coaching my high school dance team, and in the summer i taught dance camps with uda. in summary, i successfully returned to the dance industry and made the final decision to stay there, no matter how frugal the lifestyle. in june, i faced my biggest challenge to date and that is when my step-father passed away. in august, i tried something new and made the decision to be set up on a blind date. to this day, i have no idea what compelled me to do that, but in effect i met the love of my life. the series of events are so bizarre but so beautiful at the same time. in october, i spent three weeks in india, performing as a dancer/cheerleader and visiting orphanages. in november, i spent a week in nyc and performed for the macy's t-day parade. in december, i had the best christmas ever with my family as well as my new family (aka, my significant others' others). it was a great year.

for no good reason, i have been exceedingly negative lately. i have yet to figure out what i need to change in my life, or if this is just a prolonged case of pms. regardless, i was challenged to make my entire day today reek of positivity, which is tricky when afflicted with child-like boredom. in 2010, i would like to slow down, breathe, and give thanks daily for the blessings in my life......

i am thankful for my health....especially after witnessing two yarfing kiddos last night (my niece and nephew), one with fluids coming out both ends (ew). my whole parenting plan might be postponed from that traumatic evening.

i am thankful for my family.....the other day i spilled a thirty pound box of kitty litter down my brother's carpeted stairs, but he wouldn't let me clean it up because i was crying so hard. my family understands that i am a mess and accepts me, emotional instability and all. my niece thinks i'm the coolest person ever. so what if she's five years old and doesn't know better?

i am thankful for my talent and creativity.....i will never take this for granted. i will never stop enjoying the simple movement of my arms, hands, torso, head, legs, feet, toes and eyes while dancing. even when i am handicapped due to overuse injuries, i will still give thanks to god through movement and share that joy with others (which might look weird as a cripple).

i am thankful for my amazing friends.....who can turn any frown upside down. who i can trust to go to for advice on anything, no matter how silly. who i can talk to about anything, like funny dreams, crazy thoughts, or even erratic health symptoms (like ibs). they love me just the way i am and i wouldn't change anything about them.

i am thankful for my opportunities....i will never stop acting on my dreams. i will never see something as unattainable but rather believe that i can do anything i set my mind to. also, i am thankful for my brain. yep. i am glad that i am a rational thinker and have enough intelligence to separate reality from make-believe. i pride myself on balancing idealism with realism.

i am thankful for my companion.....who is my strength when i feel weak. who believes in me/us and will never stop. who has given me more love than i imagined possible. who is the most patient man i have ever known as he has helped me realize that i deserve love and i have the capacity to accept it. who i will walk with forever and share dreams with.

bring it on, 2010.

listen to: Closer by Keb' Mo'...."i'm so in love with you getting closer is all i want to do"

a cup of comfort

it's snowing today.  days like today make me eternally grateful for the world wide web.  i have almost succeeded in "running" all my errands from home today, via email, online shopping, etc.  i could be a career bum so easily it is almost frightening.  

days like today also make me think about the things that comfort me.  a very vivid reality that i have had to face recently is that you can't rely on other people to comfort you.  this is not to say that others can't comfort you.  i am very blessed to have amazing people in my 

life who provide an ample amount of comfort when i need it, however, it is not fair to assume those people will give you what you need (especially me, because i am bad about asking for it).  about two years ago, while living in hawaii, i came to the realization that the one person who can truly make you happy is yourself.  i still believe this, even though there are people who significantly add to this happiness.  it starts within.  the past few days, i have taken this belief a step further and applied to the same concept to comforting one's self.  if i am feeling down, for whatever reason, i honestly believe that i am the only person who can bring myself back up.  while other can try, and god bless them they do, there is a risk that their efforts go unnoticed if i am not ready to be better, therefore causing negative reactions all around.

so today, i am identifying my daily comforts.  here is a list of the simple things in life that comfort me when i am feeling down:

blogging

cleaning my room

yoga

catching up with old friends

tube socks

cooking for someone

watching my niece and nephew sleep

dropping stuff off at goodwill

being a burrito

teaching a dance combo and watching my dancers enjoy it

looking at old pictures and reminiscing

singing the song "breathe" by michelle branch at the top of my lungs

sitting upside down in chairs

granted, there are things that may involve other people that i truly cherish and can instantly pull me out of a slump, like my brother hiding around a corner and scaring the pee right out of me or kisses on the forehead from my lover.  

the holiday season brings a substantial amount of joy to my life, but this year, that joy is accompanied by pain and loneliness that my stepfather is not here with us.  for millions of people, the holidays can be a drag due to a number of reasons.  that is why it is important for us to reach within and take pleasure in the simple, everyday comforts of life.

listen to:  breathe by michelle branch...."if i just breath, let it fill the space between i'll know everything is alright"

a letter to myself

i began this post about a month ago as i was sitting on a second-level porch, overlooking the ocean and feeling perfectly content.  it was one of the most perfectly serene moments:  perfect breeze, sound of the waves crashing into the shore, and not a thing in sight but blue skies meeting blue ocean water accented with green plants all around.  i remember looking up to see my love, walking through the sand to take his nephew snorkeling, and my heart skipped a beat. 

we went to the bahamas to see my boyfriend's parents as well as celebrate the life of a deceased family friend, tim.  among many great memories made that weekend, i remember a conversation with my beloved's magnificent mother.  it mainly entailed one of my favorite philosophies, which we share, and that is that everything happens for a reason.  she 

told me that when she was in college, she wrote herself a letter that she would read in five years, and it was really interesting to compare where she thought her life would go to where it actually went.  

when i began this post in the bahamas, i intended to write a letter to myself outlining my goals and addressing a more mature me.  as i readdress this task, i feel compelled to take the letter in another direction.  so here is my letter to my thirty year old self containing not only my hopes and dreams, but also my daily reminders to myself.

dear jenna,

happy thirtieth birthday!  i am sure that this letter arrives to a healthy and happy young woman who possesses the same passion for life as we do now.  at twenty five years old, i feel like we have a firm grasp on life, yet i still feel so young and excited to see what is next.  the next five years will be so full of changes.  i promise to try my best to remember our blessings and take each day with an open mind.  

before i get into our hopes and dreams, i feel that it is important to reaffirm our values and beliefs as well as remind you of promises that we made to ourself at twenty-five.  first and foremost, accept love with open arms and give nothing but love in return.  don't fear what scares you, embrace the challenge.  look at the positive side of every situation.  believe that you deserve the best and never forget that.  don't doubt those who genuinely care for you.  believe in the virtue of trust (this is what makes you beautiful).  speak openly and from your heart.  feel your way through life and don't let your head get wrapped up in your world (this is important for us).

now, onto the beauty of life.....

most significantly, i fully intend to marry the man of our dreams, whom i've recently found.  looking into his eyes and making the sacred vow to stand next to him for eternity will be the most profound moment of our life.  i have never wanted to give myself to anyone more in our twenty five years on this earth, and i couldn't imagine loving anyone more than we love him.  i cannot wait to build a home together and support each other's hopes and dreams with the same passion as our own.

in may, i will begin our seventh summer working for uda.  although it is exhausting at times, we continue to try to make our mark in this world through dance.  even if we make a difference in one girl's life, our job will be done.  plans for a dance studio are in the works, and may still be as i write you this letter.  although the details can be frustrating, please continue to imagine a sanctuary for people to move without fear or inhibition, to express themselves without words, to speak a universal language through our choreography and movement.

the baby factor is still up in the air at this point, but know this:  every time i see my future husband playing with our nieces and nephews, i can't help but feel warmth knowing that we may have that someday, and feel that same certainty i had when i met our one true love.  if all goes well for us at thirty, i am sure that you are up late at night staring at our baby with amazement that such a small child can intrigue so much beauty and love. 

lastly, remember to take care of those we love.  try not to get caught up in the rest of the world and keep loved ones close by.  although life gets crazy, take time for mom.  call your brother at least once a week and tell him you love him.  stay involved in your niece's and nephew's lives (like i really have to tell you this).  we've dealt with losses, and i'm sure you've dealt with a few others by this point, but try not to dwell on the negative but rather live an honest and wonderful life that those who have passed can be proud of. 

a few final reminders.....

share your smile with others every opportunity, laugh often, and if you need a break from it all, just breathe.  believe that you can handle any situation.  believe in yourself.

love always,

jenna

listen to:  the luckiest by ben folds...."and where was i before the day that i first saw your lovely face?  now i see it everyday and i know that i am, i am, i am the luckiest"

sometimes our only way is jumping, i hope you're not afraid of heights

la vita e bella; la vita e amore.
-- life is beautiful; life is love. 

they say that love is a leap of faith.  well, i guess i've never been inspired to jump.  without explanation, i've successfully avoided companionship for years.  maybe it was fear of co-dependency.  maybe it was habit.  i've looked after myself for a long time, and had become quite happy with my life.  anytime a potential mate surfaced, i would dig around to find something wrong with him and call it quits without second thought.  nothing ever felt right, not even the "practical" men who i "should" like.  i have never been able to fake emotion to myself or another individual.  it's not in my pisces blood.  i was beginning to think i would never have that spectacular love that some people have, and i was ok with that. 

after participating in a spontaneous cross country set up, my life has changed forever.  i have learned that true love comes without warning.  it comes without banners or flashing lights.  i have also learned that this kind of certainty comes only once a lifetime.  and it feels so good.

the past two weeks have been the most pleasant ongoing breath of fresh air.  this companion of mine has added to my already existing happiness and brought my elation meter to a level that i thought was unattainable.  i have learned more about what it should feel like to love an individual in the past two weeks that i have in my entire life.  it's not two halves that make a whole....it's two whole souls whose lives gloriously come together and compliment each other in the most beautiful way.

our first date was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  i have always wanted

to try skydiving, and without knowing that, he suggested skydiving over the rockies while we were visiting friends in denver (on our "cross country set up").  little did i realize at the time that the act of jumping out of a plane would mean more than just a crazy adrenaline rush.  

right before jumping out of the plane, i surprised myself and was as calm as a snoozing turtle/excited to try this new adventure.  i honestly thought i would be slightly afraid.  i have come to realize that i have spent years fearing companionship.  from the instant i met my new delicious companion, i have been nothing but excited.  excited to learn all about him, excited to spend time with him, excited to kiss him, excited for everything!

as i was free falling, i noticed that i continued to pick up speed towards the earth (so fun!).  there was also this tranquil beauty in the earth below and the mountains across the horizon.  another symbolic coincidence.  every single day with my companion gets better and better, 

even though we are separated by distance.  i honestly feel like i am free falling faster and faster, yet there is still a calmness there that is so comfortable.  it's not that crazy infatuation that leaves every other aspect of our lives dormant, no, it's so much more than that.  he makes me want to be the best me i can be in all areas of life.  it is the most refreshing, comfortable, passionate and meaningful feeling i have ever felt towards someone.  

i am so grateful that i executed this jump.  

listen to:  Taking Chances by Platinum Weird...."what do you say to taking chances?  what do you say to jumping off the edge and never knowing if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold, or hell to pay....what do you say?"

instant gratification

i've been in a slump the past few days that can only be explained by a mild cold, pms or the fact that i have been without my step-father for approximately three months.  i've been thinking about him a lot lately, and missing him more and more everyday.  i am also constantly worrying about my mother.  i hate the fact that she is alone more often than not.  as a frequent superwoman wannabe, i would give anything to heal those that i love and make everything better in an instant.  perhaps this is me becoming a confused, impatient victim of this "instant gratification" era.  anything can be solved with the simple touch of a button.  have a question?  you can now text cha cha, a service that will answer any question you have in an instant.  i know because i tested it one night among a group of friends.  you can even cite cha cha in a scholarly document, according to them, of course.

i haven't quite jumped on the iphone wagon yet, but i did purchase an itouch last week.  the applications available are slightly overwhelming and made me think:  soon we won't have to think for ourselves anymore, there will be a machine to do it for us.  don't get me wrong...i love google, wikipedia, etc.  finding restaurants in a new city via word of mouth, though, is much more my style (as opposed to urban spoon....another "no effort" program).  i'm sure i

 will get used to these fun new devices soon.  hell, i love my flip video, which is a camcorder that has a usb drive that will flip out with the touch of a button....so fun.  but this iphone thing was just a little frightening to me at first.  i even get annoyed when people try to have text message conversations with me.  what ever happened to the phone call?  maybe i'm old fashioned.  or just lame-0.

is our society too reliant on instant gratification, and if so, does that have an effect on our emotional health?  are new trends in fast-paced electronics a contributor to the rise in divorce rate?  perhaps when things go wrong, people lack the patience, dedication, and effort to make things better over time.  do people seek a fix it button for happiness?  why doesn't cha cha have all the answers?  how do i heal a broken heart? 

i was just on chacha.com to see the questions that have been asked recently.  the list included:  "how do i make girls make out?", "can you milk a fish?", and "how do you say 'i was in spanish' in spanish?".  hahahahaha.  at least it provides for a good laugh!

listen to:  Romeo and Juliet by The Killers..."there's a place for us, you know the movie song, when you gonna realize, it was just that the time was wrong, Juliet?"

an exercise in humility

this blog is primarily about my experiences in life.  i try to avoid blogging about my opinions on others or the way they live their lives.  i just try to make sense of my own via random thoughts posted on the wonderful world of the internet.  for those of you who follow or happen to run by one of my posts, maybe you can relate.  if not, some of my random thoughts make for nice conversation pieces in awkward social situations.

one of my friends recently did a post entitled "fifteen reasons why i suck".  of course after reading it, i totally hijacked it for the polka dot cheesecake room (how original).  i thought it would be a nice exercise in humility, so to speak (er, type).

so here are fifteen reasons why i suck.

one:  i spend way too much money on makeup that i never wear.  i literally walk into mac for one item, then they ask the forbidden question:  "is there anything else you need?"  my reply is alway, "i don't know what do you think?"  duh. 

two:  i get slight anxiety when different foods touch on the same plate.  thanksgiving/christmas dinners are just an open invitation for my family to mess with me.  also, i usually look like to total fat ass at any type of buffet or potluck dinner with my three to four plates.

three:  about ninety percent of the time, i enjoy the company of children more than i do adults.  that may explain why i have yet to grow up myself.

four:  i suck at fixing my hair.  my hairstylist, bless her heart, fixes my hair more often than myself.  someday i will take her on vacation.  

five:  i am bad about taking care of items that i spend a lot of money on i.e. my vehicle.  oil changes would not occur if it weren't for my parents.  my computer/pda/ipod have been dropped one too many times.

six:  i don't do much long-term planning.  i'm not much of a day-to-day girl either.  month-to-month is a great time span in terms of planning.  i have no idea where i will be next year or what i will be doing.  i used to live by the book "women and money" by suze orman.  not so much anymore.

seven:  i react to emotional situations awkwardly.  for example, if i'm really angry i will laugh hysterically.  if i'm really sad, i giggle.  ok i guess i pretty much laugh too much.

eight:  i am terrified of birds.  if they are near me, i get short of breath and my heart races.  i stop talking (see number seven).  it tends to make social situations a little discomfited.

nine:  i tend to overbook myself, both professionally and socially.  i have to back out of appointments and social gatherings too often, but i also require jenna time.  my introvert side pleas for attention at times.

ten:  i despise routine vacuuming.  there has to be some sort of noise created by sucking up dirt, crumbs, etc to provide satisfaction.  that's probably why i love cleaning windows and dusting.  i need instant positive reinforcement in my cleaning efforts.

eleven:  i push the speed limit way too often.  i don't consider myself an impatient person, i just hate sitting around in my car. 

twelve:  to piggyback on number eleven, i get really bored while driving and do things that i probably shouldn't do....editing documents on my pda, painting my toenails, etc.

thirteen:  i outsource many common household duties, which is why i would make a horrible housewife.  when i lived in hawaii, i hired a laundry service.  i don't sew....that's what tailors are for.  i strategically purchase clothes that will never need ironing.

fourteen:  i have really long eyelashes and the inside of my eyelids always itch.  i can't fight the urge to scratch it, so i always do in public and people probably look at my like some kind of circus freak.

fifteen:  i obsessively chew orbiz bubblemint gum out of habit.  i purchase the big containers that fit in your vehicle's cup holders; chew a piece for about two or three minutes; then roll down the window, spit it forward and swat at it at my hand so it flies out the window.  that took a lot of practice and i had plenty of chewed gum on my dashboard to show for it.

listen to:  Hey Ya by Obadiah Parker...."if what they say that nothing is forever, than what makes loves the exception"